


let me hold your heart (let me be the one)

by reddieforlove



Series: phone sex hotline au [2]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Healing, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Language, M/M, Porn With Plot, Sexual Repression, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 20:28:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14004111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reddieforlove/pseuds/reddieforlove
Summary: Now that they've met, Eddie and Richie are determined to live out their bliss for as long as possible.If only bliss could last forever.





	let me hold your heart (let me be the one)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I know it's been a while since I posted the first part but I got struck with inspiration so here we go. A lot more words, a lot more smut, a lot more angst. I hope that you like it!
> 
> I tried to show a very realistic take on healing, which is that it's not a straight line. There are curves and sharp turns and sometimes you go back a little bit, especially if you come face-to-face with your abuser. So this isn't an easy road but it's worth it, I think. Just heed the tags.
> 
> Title: Brave - The Shires
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented, and kudos'd the first part. You have no idea how much it meant to me.

Eddie never liked romance movies. It wasn’t because of the cheesy dialogue or predictable plots. It wasn’t even entirely because of the heteronormativity, though that was a rant for another day. It was the morning after scenes. The pretty picture of a perfectly groomed couple blinking warm sunlight out of their eyes and kissing gently amidst perfectly placed covers with nary a hair out of place. It was unrealistic. But that wasn’t even the biggest thing that got on Eddie’s nerves. He couldn’t put his finger on it for a long time but when he finally came to terms with the reality of his situation a few years ago, he realized exactly what it boiled down to.

Fear.

He had been so terrified that he would never experience anything close to the intimacy that two actors managed to portray in a movie that he convinced himself he hated it all and avoided watching rom-coms for years. He’d closed himself off to ever wanting that because he’d been convinced that he would never have it. As he woke slowly, he realized just how much those movies got wrong. There was very little magic as he slowly became aware of himself.

Instead, there was a fuzziness to his mouth that reminded him he didn’t brush his teeth before falling asleep. But even that faded into the background as he shifted a little and was suddenly hit with the soreness present throughout his body. His limbs protested as he stretched, trying to relieve some of the discomfort. Then Eddie slowly opened his eyes but then snapped them back shut again, turning away and groaning at the blinding sunlight that was shining through the open curtains of Richie’s window. His eyes flew open again with a gasp.

Richie.

There was a noticeable weight on the other side of the bed and it was impossible not to feel the warm breath on his shoulder as Richie slept on. His fingers were barely grazing Eddie’s hip but the touch made his skin grow hotter now that he was aware of it. Turning his head slowly, he blinked against the sunlight and let his eyes trace over the other man. His hair was even more wild than it looked last night and his face was lax in sleep, his lips slightly parted as he breathed in and out evenly.

Eddie couldn’t do much but stare, his eyes flitting over Richie’s face. He looked different without his glasses. Younger, somehow. Maybe it was the more visible freckles or the smoothness of his expression. His lips were full and just the tiniest bit chapped. Eddie almost couldn’t believe that he was really there even though the evidence was right in front of him. Reaching up his hand slowly, not wanting to wake him, he carefully brushed a stray curl away from Richie’s forehead and softly let his fingertips brush over his face.

He traced from his forehead to his temple. There was a small, thin scar at his hairline. Eddie’s fingers moved down to his cheek, connecting his freckles like constellations. Then down to his jawline. Another scar just under his chin. His thumb brushed over Richie’s lower lip, causing him to shudder a little. Eddie stilled at the movement, wondering if he’d been caught. A few moments passed in silence and Richie didn’t move again. Eddie carefully pulled his hand away only for Richie’s to lift, clasping his fingers gently around Eddie’s wrist.

He brought his hand back to his mouth, slowly brushing his lips over the tips of Eddie’s fingers without opening his eyes. Eddie watched with a somewhat dazed expression, though his heart was racing quickly in his chest now that he knew Richie was awake. Warmth filled his cheeks as Richie’s eyelids began to flutter and Eddie braced himself as he pressed a full kiss to his palm. Then Richie’s eyes finally opened, their dark, warm depths meeting Eddie’s gaze for just a moment. Then…

“Fuck,” Richie cursed, his voice low and gravelly and definitely _not_ doing certain things to Eddie as he snapped his eyes back shut and lifted his free hand to press over them. “Fucking sun’s too goddamn bright.”

A smile tugged at Eddie’s lips.

“You didn’t close your curtains,” he said, his own voice a little scratchy too.

Richie dropped his hands and his eyes slowly opened again. He gazed at Eddie for a long few moments, looking as though he was sharing similar thoughts of disbelief over this entire thing.

“Hey,” he finally said, smiling at him.

“Hi,” Eddie said softly.

Richie brushed his lips over Eddie’s knuckles, the intimacy of it making his chest grow warm and the tension melted away from his shoulders as he relaxed beneath the touch. Any fear that Eddie had was all but gone.

“How do you feel?” Richie asked, pushing up on his elbow.

Eddie shrugged, biting down on his lower lip. He didn’t want to say anything to make Richie feel bad or regret what they did. Because Eddie certainly didn’t.

“No lies,” Richie reminded him, sensing that Eddie was holding back.

Eddie sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to give up.

“I’m a little sore,” he admitted carefully.

Richie nodded, looking as though he expected that.

“I’m fine,” Eddie was quick to assure him.

“You sure?”

He nodded and Richie leaned in close, skimming his lips over Eddie’s so lightly that it was barely a kiss. Before he could complain about brushing his teeth, Richie ducked his head and began kissing along his jaw. Eddie’s eyes fluttered closed again, his hand lifting to delve into those unruly dark curls. Richie kissed down to his throat as he tugged lightly at his hair, humming into Eddie’s already heated skin. Eddie tilted his head back, feeling his body already reacting to the warm, open-mouthed kisses Richie placed over his throat.

Then he nipped at his collarbone and swept his tongue over the hollow of his throat, making Eddie whimper a little as he shuddered, already growing hard beneath the blankets that barely covered his hips. Richie began kissing, nipping, and sucking in earnest at a particularly sensitive spot just beneath his pulse point. Eddie was putty beneath him, stroking his fingers through Richie’s hair and letting out soft sighs and moans at the jolts of pleasure that emanated from the spot that Richie was clearly determined to mark.

When he pulled away, there was a triumphant gleam in his eyes just before he began kissing his way down to Eddie’s chest. He moved slowly, making it clear with every second that passed that he would pull away and put a stop to it if that’s what Eddie wanted. But that’s not what he wanted at all. Eddie arched into his mouth when soft lips closed around his nipple, his teeth teasing at the hardened peak before his tongue soothed the slight sting with gentle strokes and flicks. It felt better than Eddie could have imagined.

Before long, Richie was moving away and huffing a laugh at the disappointed noise that escaped his mouth. His nose skimmed over Eddie’s stomach, his hands lifting to stroke at his sides in a way that almost tickled but not quite. It felt like he was almost worshipping Eddie in the way his lips pressed to every inch of skin that he could find as his fingers brushed his ribs as gently as if he was handling porcelain. Richie let out a low noise of appreciation, tracing his tongue around Eddie’s navel.

“So soft,” he murmured as Eddie trembled beneath him. “You’re so soft, baby. I love it.”

Eddie felt a strangely satisfied and even _proud_ feeling rising in his chest at Richie’s words. He wanted to hear more. He wanted Richie to talk like this forever and ever. Even if he never touched him again, which seemed unlikely considering how every kiss brought him lower, Eddie would be satisfied just hearing Richie praise him. He gasped a little when the sheets were tugged away, leaving him exposed. It was different than the night before. Eddie felt self-consciousness edging in at the back of his mind and fought the urge to reach down and cover himself again.

“Fuck,” Richie breathed out, brushing his lips over Eddie’s hip. “So fucking beautiful, Eds. You don’t even know…”

Eddie’s chest ached from how desperately he wanted to believe that. He wished that he could see what Richie saw.

“Please,” he moaned quietly as warm breath washed over his cock.

“Tell me baby.”

He arched his back just a little, his flush making its way down to his chest.

“I want-I want…” Eddie curled his fingers into the covers beneath him. “ _Please_ , Richie.”

Richie took pity on him, wrapping his fingers around Eddie’s cock. Eddie let out a soft cry, the still-present soreness in his limbs the only thing keeping him from thrusting into Richie’s hand.

“Shhh,” Richie said, somehow knowing exactly what Eddie was thinking. “I’ve got you.”

Eddie trusted in that. It was only when Richie dragged the flat of his tongue up the underside of his cock before swirling it over the tip that he lifted his hips and moaned his name. Richie pressed his hips back down into the mattress, wrapping his lips around his cock and humming, sending shocks of heat to the tightness already forming in his lower belly. It didn’t take long for Richie to lower his head, taking him deeper in his mouth before he began bobbing up and down quickly, Eddie sobbing out his name like a blissed-out mantra.

“R-Rich…so…good…fu-fuck…please…”

He slid both hands into Richie’s hair, his fingers catching in tangles that caused him to tug harder than he intended. Richie groaned around his cock, his hips grinding down into the bed.

“D-don’t,” Eddie pleaded in a rush. “Wanna touch you.”

Richie’s answering moan was longer and he moved quicker, bringing Eddie closer and closer to the brink until white hot pleasure rolled over him. It took a moment for Eddie to register that Richie didn’t pull away, the realization only drawing out the amazing feeling spreading through his body, curling his toes and making him feel unbelievably good. When it all became too much, he shoved lightly at Richie’s shoulder and collapsed back into the bed with a sigh. He felt overheated and sweaty and, for just a moment, wanted nothing more than a shower. Then Richie pressed a soft kiss to his hip and inhaled deeply, even a little shakily and Eddie remembered. He pushed up slowly, ignoring the ache in his limbs as he did so.

“C’mere,” he said, tugging Richie in closer.

“You don’t have to, Eds,” Richie said, though he didn’t stop Eddie from straddling his lap.

“I want to.”

He hesitantly wrapped his hand around Richie, gasping a little at the feeling of touching someone else like this. Richie hissed a little and Eddie stopped, looking up at him with uncertainty.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

Richie nodded, looking at him with heat in his gaze.

“It’s fucking beyond okay, trust me.”

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat and he held him more firmly, stroking him slowly to get used to the feeling. Richie groaned and his head fell to Eddie’s bare shoulder, his hands gripping at Eddie’s hips. Twisting his wrist and brushing his thumb over the leaking tip, Eddie registered every shudder and moan, filing it all away so that he would never forget what made Richie feel good. He loved the feeling of Richie’s hot breath on his neck and the sound of every hitch, groan, and whimper of Eddie’s name.

“Fuck, baby,” Richie murmured, bucking up into his hand. “Just like that.”

Eddie moved his hand quicker, ignoring his tired muscles as he brought Richie closer and closer to his peak. Tilting his head, he pressed a kiss to Richie’s temple.

“Feels good?” he asked.

Richie nodded against his shoulder, his breaths coming out quicker.

“Don’t-don’t stop,” he choked out, his body shaking. “Gonna come, Eds.”

“Come for me,” Eddie told him.

It took only a few more strokes for Richie to do just that, pressing his mouth to Eddie’s shoulder to muffle his drawn out moan as warmth spilled out over Eddie’s hand and onto his own abdomen. Eddie pulled away when Richie lifted his head and pressed a kiss to his cheek, wordlessly telling him that it was enough. He didn’t even shudder when Richie lifted the sheet and wiped the mess away from Eddie’s hand and his own stomach.

“Gotta wash ‘em anyway,” he said, nuzzling into Eddie’s neck.

Eddie sighed, wrapping his arms loosely around Richie as he pressed in closer.

“Don’t want this to end,” he said quietly.

“Why does it have to?” Richie asked.

Eddie didn’t say anything right away, blinking several times as he turned the words over in his head.

“It doesn’t?” he breathed out, daring to hope.

Richie pulled away, meeting his gaze with warmth in his eyes.

“I meant what I said last night,” he said, brushing his knuckles gently over Eddie’s cheek. “I want you to stick around, if that’s what you want.”

Eddie nodded, tilting his head towards his touch.

“It is,” he said softly.

A blinding smile took over Richie’s face, lighting up his features.

“Fuck,” he said, shaking his head.

“What?” Eddie’s forehead creased as he spoke.

“You’re a goddamn dream, Eddie Kaspbrak.”

With a light laugh, Eddie shook his own head, leaning in to brush a kiss over Richie’s lips.

“I could say the same about you, Richie Tozier.”

So maybe the rom-coms weren’t completely wrong about the magic.

*

Eddie couldn’t remember ever feeling quite this content in his life. Even though he was alone, and saying goodbye to Richie had been hard, he knew that they would see each other again and that filled every single fiber of his being with a deep sense of comfort. He sat on the edge of his bed, his legs clad in soft pajama pants and folded beneath him as he stared into the full length mirror that hung over his closet door. Eddie had spent many conversations with Richie standing in front of it, trying his best to find something about himself that he loved.

It wasn’t hard to pinpoint that spot on his body right now.

The bruise stood out against his skin and there was no hiding what it was. Eddie traced his fingers over the spot, sinking his teeth into his lower lip as he closed his eyes, remembering how it felt for Richie to mark him there. It all felt like a strange dream, which made it all the more wonderful knowing that it was real. Eddie couldn’t have asked for more from his first real experience. Richie was everything he needed and more. It surprised him even now how utterly complete he felt when Richie pressed close to him and filled him. Eddie couldn’t wait to experience it again.

He barely heard the knock on his door, too lost in his own thoughts to really pay any mind to the outside world. But then he heard Bill’s voice calling out his name and froze a little, dropping his hand down to his lap and swallowing hard before inviting him to come in. Bill pushed the door open slowly, stepping just inside with a wariness in the slump of his usually tall shoulders. Eddie somehow knew exactly what this conversation was going to be about. He was surprised it took this long. Bill’s eyes immediately zeroed in on his throat and a concerned frown came over his face.

“Eddie…” he trailed off, looking like he was still trying to gather his thoughts as he still stared at the hickey.

Eddie lifted his hand self-consciously, covering the mark with his palm. Just a moment ago, he’d been locked away in blissful memories. Now he was wondering what Bill thought of him. Would he lash out? Condemn Eddie for going home with Richie? For giving a big part of himself to a man who he technically only met once face to face? Though that mattered little in the grand scheme of things, when Richie did for Eddie what no one ever could. He only hoped that Bill would let him explain before he got too angry.

_Dirty. Filthy. Sick._

“Bill, I-I…” Eddie trailed off, hating the sudden downward spiral of his emotions.

“It’s o-okay, Eddie.”

Bill’s words instantly put him at ease. He watched his best friend cross the room and sighed a little, tension bleeding from his shoulders when Bill sat next to him, tugging his hand away from his neck.

“I just w-want to make sure tha-that you’re alright.”

Eddie nodded quickly, chasing the voice in the back of his mind away as he clasped his hands in his lap.

“I am, Bill. More than alright,” he said, letting himself fall back into the warm comfort of his memories. “Richie is… Richie is good. So good. I know you don’t know him but…”

“How do y-you know him?” Bill asked.

Eddie balked at that, a cold shiver running down his spine. It was an understandable question. HIs friends hadn’t even heard of Richie before and next thing they knew, Eddie was making out with him in the middle of the sidewalk. It was right for them to have questions.

“I’m not ready to tell you that, Bill,” he said in a hushed voice, hoping that he wouldn’t take offense. “And even if I was, I have to talk to Richie first. It’s complicated and personal and-and it doesn’t just affect me if I tell you, okay? It’s his story too.”

Bill nodded, looking as though he understood as much as he could.

“But you’re okay?” he said.

A smile broke out onto Eddie’s face and he felt color rising to his cheeks as he nodded, looking down at his hands.

“I’m happy,” he said quietly, nearly breathless with the truth of his own words.

Eddie looked up again to see a smile tugging at Bill’s lips. He leaned into the other man when he wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulders.

“Good,” Bill said, and that alone settled it. “Th-then I’m happy too.”

Eddie let out a soft sigh as the content feeling returned.

*

“Goddamn.”

Eddie’s eyes snapped up at the sound of the familiar voice. His breath seized in his throat as he saw Richie walking towards him between the rows of shelves in the bookstore. He looked incredible, with wind-mussed hair and that same worn leather jacket. Eddie couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips at the sight of his… _something_ … approaching with the same confidence that rang through his voice.

“What?” he finally managed to say something, his voice coming out a bit breathlessly.

Richie leaned on the counter across from him, putting them nearly nose to nose.

“I knew you’d look good in a cute little sweater in your bookstore but imagining it is one thing. Seeing it is a whole different fucking ballgame,” Richie said, stroking his fingers over the back of his hand.

Eddie shivered at the touch, sinking his teeth into his lower lip. He wanted nothing more than to kiss Richie but this was his workplace and he had to keep things professional. Especially since his boss was in the store. Not out on the floor, specifically, but he was in the back working on stock and Eddie wasn’t about to do anything to risk his employment.

“Do you need a book?” he asked without moving.

He wasn’t kissing Richie but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t thrive off of the proximity. After nothing but months of phone conversations, he wasn’t ever going to say no to being close to Richie.

“I need _you_.”

Richie’s voice was low and thrilling, making Eddie feel a little bit weak at the knees.

“I’m at work,” he said, shaking his head sternly. “No funny business.”

“Spoilsport,” Richie said with a smirk.

Eddie reached up, pushing Richie’s glasses back up his nose where they were slipping.

“I get off at six,” he said quietly.

Richie looked absolutely delighted at the information, leaning in to brush a kiss over Eddie’s nose.

“I’ll pick you up?” he asked, making sure it was okay with Eddie.

He nodded quickly, a smile blooming on his face. Eddie didn’t know what they would do but he didn’t care. Richie reached up, stroking his cheek with the pad of his thumb before winking at him. Eddie watched as he left, feeling warm all over. The rest of his shift passed in a daze. He shelved books, helped customers, battled with the ancient cash register, drank two cups of coffee, and finally clocked out with a nervously fluttering stomach. He didn’t know what he had to be nervous about. Somehow this felt different than the night they spent together.

As he stepped outside, he inhaled the crisp autumn air. It was his favorite time in the city. The leaves turned from green to beautiful reds, yellows, browns, and golds. Eddie didn’t work far from Central Park and he often liked to detour there before going home if he got off early enough. He pulled his jacket a little tighter around him and glanced down the street only to see Richie striding towards him, his cheeks rosy and a smile on his face. Eddie felt that warmth building just beneath his skin as he returned the smile eagerly.

Richie didn’t waste a moment, cupping his flushed cheeks in cold hands before slanting his lips over Eddie’s. It was just as amazing as their first kiss, lingering and consuming. Eddie pushed up on his toes, his hands wrapping around Richie’s wrists as he kissed back just as eagerly, feeling like nothing in the world could ruin this moment. As he pulled away and dropped back onto his heels, Eddie opened his eyes to see Richie gazing at him with wonder. Eddie didn’t blame him. It was hard to believe they were really here.

“Your place?” he asked hopefully.

Richie shook his head, a smirk tugging at his lips yet again.

“We haven’t had a first date, Eddie Spaghetti,” he reminded Eddie, stepping away to offer his hand as he ignored the way Eddie's eyes narrowed at the nickname. “Shall we?”

Any trace of disappointment and annoyance was chased away at the words. Eddie gladly took his hand, weaving their hands together. They walked side-by-side through the streets and Eddie listened as Richie talked about his new job at the radio station. He hadn’t had his first day yet but he filled out all the employment paperwork and was starting the next week. He was practically giddy with anticipation and Eddie was happy for him. When they stopped in at a deli, Eddie was surprised when they picked out their sandwiches and ordered two large cups of hot cocoa only for Richie to pull him outside again.

“Aren’t we eating?’ Eddie asked, holding up his sandwich bag with confusion.

“Not yet,” Richie said simply, sipping at his cocoa.

Eddie did the same. It didn’t take long for him to figure out Richie’s plan. He knew the area pretty well and it was fairly obvious that they were heading towards Central Park. They didn’t hike too deep into the park, finding a clean, dry grassy place to sit side-by-side as they munched on their sandwiches and drank their hot cocoa.

“It’s nothing fancy but…”

“It’s perfect,” Eddie said, smiling over at Richie. “I don’t need fancy. Just you.”

Richie gazed at him for several long moments before reaching up, cupping Eddie’s chin lightly before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Eddie leaned into it, his eyes fluttered closed as they lingered there for a while. Then they broke away and began eating again, trading casual conversation as they watched families and people with pets and tired tourists pass by on the sidewalk.

“So, uh…” Richie looked nervous once he finished his sandwich, rubbing at the back of his neck. “You don’t regret it, do you?”

Eddie frowned over at him.

“Regret it?” he repeated.

Richie nodded, avoiding his gaze.

“No,” Eddie said quickly, shaking his head. “Not at all.”

Richie looked up at him with hesitation in his eyes.

“I just- I know you might have wanted it to be more special or something…”

“It _was_ special, Richie,” Eddie said, reaching out to clasp his hand. “It was everything.”

“Good,” Richie exhaled, relaxing a little. “That’s good.”

Eddie stared at him just to make sure that his moment of doubt had passed.

“I care about you, Eds,” Richie said, looking him in the eye. “A lot. And I never want to do anything to hurt you.”

Leaning in, Eddie brushed a kiss over his lips.

“I care about you too,” he whispered, looking into Richie’s eyes. “And I know you won’t hurt me.”

Richie smiled at him, sweeping his thumb over Eddie’s jawline.

“Wanna walk around?” he asked.

Eddie nodded, leaning away from Richie so that he could stand before sticking his hand out to help Eddie up. They threw their trash away before entwining their fingers again, taking off down the path that led them deeper into the park. Eddie had no idea where they were going but he had no desire to get there fast. He was perfectly to happy to walk all night if it meant spending the time with Richie. His mere presence was addicting. Eddie soaked up every moment of it and, from the look on Richie’s face, it seemed like he was doing the same.

Every so often, they would divert off the path to kiss, unable to resist. At one point, Eddie leaned back against a tree with his hands curled into Richie’s shirt, his head tilted back as Richie’s lips brushed over his again and again, gentle and repeating. Richie’s forearm was pressed into the tree over Eddie’s head and his body curved towards him and even though there was every chance that someone could look, and they probably were, he didn’t even care because everything was Richie Richie _Richie._

His other hand fell to Eddie’s hip, his thumb sneaking between his shirt to sweep over his hip in soft, teasing circles that made him gasp and arch into him. Eddie wanted more. He wanted everything. He pulled away, kissing his way along Richie’s jawline just the same way the other man did to him, relishing in every hitch of Richie’s breath that he heard at the gentle brush of his lips until he found his way to Richie’s ear, nipping at the lobe with his teeth as he reached up, curling his fingers into that dark wild hair.

“I want you,” Eddie whispered for Richie’s ears only.

“Fuck, Eds,” Richie groaned out, squeezing his hip. “You’re gonna be the death of me.”

Eddie smiled a little, pressing his lips just beneath Richie’s ear only to earn a short, satisfying gasp in return.

“You make me feel alive,” he said.

Richie pulled away from him at that, blinking slow with the slightest look of disbelief in his eyes. He stroked his thumb over Eddie’s cheek, a patented touch at this point that Eddie was not going to argue with because it made him feel relaxed and cared for in a way that he never felt before. So he leaned his head into Richie’s hand and looked up at him with that same hopeful gaze.

“Your place?” he said again.

This time, Richie simply nodded. They managed to hail a taxi just outside of the park after taking a quick walk back the way that they came. Eddie curled himself into Richie’s side as soon as the door shut behind them, relishing in how well they fit together when Richie’s arm came up to wrap around his shoulders and he pressed a kiss into Eddie’s hair. They didn’t move at all during the thirty-minute long drive and even Richie didn’t talk much, playing with Eddie’s fingers until they reached his apartment and he handed a few bills up to the driver. As soon as they stepped out onto the curb, Richie’s hand was in his and they were hurrying inside.

It felt different than before. The last time Eddie took the elevator ride up to Richie’s floor, the air was charged with nervous energy from the both of them. For Eddie, he was walking into the unknown. For Richie, he was doing his best to figure out how to proceed with the night, feeling extremely conscious of everything that led them to this moment. This time, however, it was much different. Eddie found himself leaning back into Richie as the other man pressed kisses over his throat, his arm wrapped loosely around his waist. Eddie watched with half-lidded eyes as the glowing numbers on the elevator gradually climbed, his desire doing the same.

Then the ding filled the air and they moved out into the hallway as one unit, bodies pressed together and lips connected in a feverish kiss that couldn’t quite wait for a closed door. Eddie scraped his fingers lightly over Richie’s scalp and earned a groan in return that he felt through his whole body, which was growing hotter by the second. He was trembling with need by the time they staggered through the door. Richie kicked it shut behind them with his foot and reached back to lock it without bothering to pull away from Eddie. Then jackets joined shoes on the floor and clothes marked their path to the bed, stripped away in favor of having absolutely nothing between them.

But as soon as Eddie’s back hit the mattress and the messy blankets covering it, Richie pulled away, releasing a sigh into his shoulder. Eddie felt a little confused as he was so quickly torn away from the heated moment, opening his mouth to ask what was wrong. Then Richie was pressing gentle, lingering kisses along his shoulder, skimming his lips over Eddie’s collarbone and stroking his fingers up his sides in a soft, featherlight touch. Eddie arched into him, wanting more and wanting it now.

“Shhh,” Richie said, gently easing him back to the bed. “Take it slow, baby.”

Eddie whined a little, wanting the very opposite of slow. A few days ago, he had no idea what it felt like to be so close to another person. Now it was all he wanted and there was very little of him that was willing to wait.

“Richie,” Eddie complained as he pressed a firm kiss over Eddie’s racing heart.

“We have all the time in the world, Eds,” Richie said, his breath hot on Eddie’s skin. “Let me do this.”

Eddie tilted his head back with a huff, unable to deny how incredible it felt. Richie’s lips and fingers left tingles in their wake as he pressed kisses to every inch of skin he could find, practically _worshipping_ Eddie’s body. He traced his tongue over Eddie’s hips and stroked a soft path around his navel with warm lips. He pressed kisses along his inner thighs and counted his ribs with his fingers. Every freckle and scar that Richie could find received its due attention. Eddie didn’t even argue when Richie rolled him over slowly, pressing a kiss over the back of his neck before continuing on down his spine, calculating every dip and notch with every brush of his lips.

It was unbelievably erotic and yet it felt like so much more as Eddie found himself wanting more of just this. He didn’t know how Richie could do it, see so deep into him that he knew exactly what Eddie needed. He also didn’t know why tears slipped down his cheeks with every touch and kiss, wetting the pillow beneath him until he buried his face in his arms so that Richie wouldn’t hear the soft hitches of his breath. It didn’t help much at all. When Richie pressed his lips firmly to the dimples at the base of Eddie’s spine, murmuring how beautiful he was, a shaking sob pushed its way out of Eddie’s mouth and Richie was up in an instant, pulling him around to look into his eyes.

“I’m okay,” Eddie exhaled, shaking his head as Richie wiped at his cheeks. “I just didn’t expect it to feel…”

He trailed off, not knowing what to say. He didn’t even know if there was a proper word for how it felt. Luckily Richie seemed to understand, leaning in to kiss him again. Eddie responded eagerly, sliding his arms around Richie’s shoulders and straddling his lap, pressing close to him. Richie’s skin was warm and smooth beneath his touch. His fingers stroked over Eddie’s hips and lower back as he tilted his head to the side, kissing Eddie until they were both breathless and trembling.

“Mmm I could do this forever,” Richie murmured serenely, his lips brushing over Eddie’s even as he spoke because they refused to pull away even as they caught their breath.

“Just this?” Eddie asked in a hushed voice, sneaking his hand between them. “Nothing else?”

He brushed the tips of his fingers over Richie’s cock in a teasing touch, drawing a shuddering moan out of his lips.

“Eddie,” his name fell from Richie’s lips like a prayer and a plea all at once.

It was strange, the feeling of satisfaction and power he felt over himself right now. Eddie didn’t imagine ever feeling this way. Not about sex. Not about anything. The intruding voices in his head were gone, silenced by desire and happiness. Richie stilled his hand before he could do much more, pulling away to look at him with a dark, heady gaze.

“Slow,” Richie reminded him gently.

He leaned in, dropping kisses along Eddie’s neck and shoulder as his hands slid around to cup his ass. Eddie didn’t know how good it would feel until now, arching into Richie’s hands as he kneaded and stroked at his ass. Then one finger slid between his cheeks, stroking over his hole, and Eddie shuddered, his cock twitching.

“Oh fuck,” he breathed out shakily, pressing back into the finger.

As sensitive as he felt when he did it himself, it was nothing compared to how it felt for Richie to touch him there. He traced circles around his rim before flicking and stroking at his hole relentlessly, repeating it all again and again until Eddie was shaking and stammering out pleas for more.

“Shit,” Richie said, skimming his lips over Eddie’s collarbone. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

“P-please...Richie...I-I...I need more…please…”

“I got you,” Richie assured him, pressing a kiss over his throat where the fading hickey was still visible.

Eddie let out a throaty moan as he wondered if Richie would mark him up again.

“Can you get on your hands and knees, Eds? Is that okay?”

A thrill of anticipation rushed through him and Eddie nodded, pulling away. Before he could move, Richie pressed a hard, desperate kiss to Eddie’s lips that he felt all the way to the warmth pooling in his lower belly. Then Eddie slid off of his lap and turned around, dropping onto his hands and knees. A flush crept up his face as he felt Richie’s hot gaze on him. Eddie felt oddly exposed but not in a bad way. It didn’t scare him.

“Just like that, baby,” Richie praised, stroking a hand over his ass.

He felt warmth rising in his chest at the words and looked over to see Richie pull lube and a condom out from his nightstand.

“Relax,” Richie urged him, pressing a hand flat over his spine between his shoulder blades.

Eddie realized what he wanted and slowly dropped down to his elbows, feeling far more comfortable in the position that pushed his ass higher in the air. He could see how it was easier. When he spread his legs out a little bit, Richie let out an approving noise. The sound of the bottle of lube being uncapped made Eddie’s breath seize in his throat for just a moment as he clenched his fingers into the blankets beneath him. It was just a little unnerving not to be able to see what was going on.

But then, as Richie’s warm, slick finger stroked over his hole, Eddie realized that it had his perks. His sense of touch was incredibly heightened, especially _there_ , now that he couldn’t see. Richie teased again, dipping his finger in just barely before pulling it out, making Eddie sink his teeth into his lower lip to keep from crying out in frustration. Richie caught on after just a minute or so, pressing his finger more and more in with each stroke until it was fully seated inside of him up to the last knuckle. Eddie could have never imagined that just this could feel good.

But now Richie was stroking that finger in and out, following through on his promise of _slowly_ , and making Eddie tremble as muffled whimpers escaped his lips. Richie was in no hurry, thrusting that one finger in and out, stroking at his inner walls, and teasing at his rim every so often. Then he finally slid a second finger in alongside the first, moving just as slowly and purposefully, twisting his wrist and scissoring and crooking his fingers. In this position, Eddie could easily rock back into Richie’s hand, and he did. Then Richie turned his wrist and curled his fingers just right, finding the sweet spot that made Eddie cry out hoarsely, his hips jutting forward.

“There,” Richie murmured, rubbing at his prostate in slow, deep circles.

He drew it out, savoring every moan and whimper that fell from Eddie’s lips. Then he was pulling his fingers out completely, leaving him feeling disappointed and empty until he pressed in again, another finger joining the first two. They fucked into him hard and fast, making Eddie cry out and arch his back, his head tilting up towards the ceiling. Richie’s free hand slid into his hair, stroking and curling into the soft locks rather than pulling as he alternated between a quick pace and one that was slow and deep. Eddie felt so so close to falling apart when the fingers disappeared again. He sank down to the mattress, breathing heavily as he came down from the edge, feeling Richie’s hand stroking over his back.

“You ready?” Richie asked.

Eddie nodded, his body aching with need. He heard Richie tear open the condom packet, slicking himself up when he was covered, and half expected to be turned over. But then Richie was pulling his hips up off the mattress gently and settling him back on his knees and Eddie couldn’t help but groan out his name when he felt the head of Richie’s cock nudging at his hole. It felt even better than the fingers, stretching and filling him as Richie pushed forward, slowly, torturously, _intensely._

Then he was seated fully, hips pressed to Eddie’s ass and a low “fuck” slipping out of his lips. Eddie breathed in and out through his mouth, turning his head to the side and squeezing his eyes shut as he let himself feel everything so keenly. Richie draped over his back gently, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses along his shoulders that made his heart swell and his body tremble even more. His fingers stroked over Eddie’s side soothingly as they both remained still, adjusting to the feeling.

“You okay?” Richie whispered, his voice slightly strained.

Eddie nodded his head, wishing that he could find the words to say he was far better than okay. But his mind was filled with hazy satisfaction at having Richie buried deep in him again and all he wanted was more more _more._

“More,” he managed to whisper.

Richie nodded too, dropping another kiss to his shoulder before straightening up. His hands wrapped around Eddie’s hips, holding firmly enough to keep him still as he pulled out. Eddie pushed up onto his elbows, dropping his head between his arms. A cross between a moan and a gasp pushed its way through his lips when Richie pushed into him again. His pace was unhurried, making sure that Eddie felt every moment of every single stroke and thrust.

Eddie could only imagined how it looked to Richie, who was filling the air with low murmurs of how good Eddie felt, how good he looked, how fucking amazing it was. He almost wished that he could see Richie’s cock disappearing into him with each thrust. He could certainly feel it though. Richie let out a groan when Eddie’s hand reached back, his fingers pressing around his stretched hole, feeling Richie’s slick cock slide into him. It was indescribable.

“You like that, baby?” Richie said, moving just a little bit faster as Eddie stroked at his rim, moaning at the feeling. “Like feeling my cock in your ass?”

“Yes,” Eddie nodded, hissing out the word desperately. “Please R-Rich… I need…”

He didn’t even know what he needed but somehow Richie did. He stilled, buried deep inside of Eddie. Before he could let out a noise of protest at the lack of movement or friction, Richie was sliding his arms around him, gently pulling him up and sitting back on his heels until Eddie’s back was pressed to his chest and their thighs aligned. If possible, his cock pressed even deeper at this angle, making Eddie let out a high noise of pleasure at the new position. Reaching up, Richie cupped his chin gently and turned his head, capturing his lips in a kiss.

Eddie responded desperately, his hand snaking around to curl into Richie’s hair. That was when he started moving, slowly at first, skin slapping against skin as Richie thrusted up into him. Eddie moaned and whined into the kiss without breaking it, stroking over Richie’s tongue with his own and gripping his hair, drawing a low groan from Richie’s chest. It wasn’t until Richie moved a little faster that Eddie realized this position put him right at the angle to brush his prostate with nearly every thrust.

He had to drop his head from the kiss as it all became too much. Eddie didn’t release Richie’s hair as he kissed, nipped, and sucked at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, making even more shocks of pleasure run through him. Eddie reached down with his other hand, stroking at his cock at the same pace as Richie fucked up into him, his cries becoming more and more breathless and desperate as the coil in his belly grew even tighter and hotter. He knew Richie was marking him again, bringing color to the surface of his skin. It felt too good. Too much. Too intense. Eddie loved every second of it.

“Fuck, Richie… I’m gonna… I’m so…”

Richie suddenly pulled out, turning Eddie around and crashing their lips together as he pressed him back into the bed, hitching his legs up and around his waist.

“I wanna see you,” he said, pulling away to hold Eddie’s gaze. “Wanna look in your eyes when you come.”

Eddie nodded quickly, fighting against the urge to squeeze his eyes shut out of sheer pleasure when Richie pushed into him again. He kept up the quick pace this time, knocking Eddie’s hand away from his cock to stroke it himself. Eddie was left to moan and arch beneath him as he drew closer and closer, heat simmering beneath his skin and his vision growing fuzzy at the edges. He clutched at Richie’s shoulders, digging his nails in.

“You gotta come for me, Eds,” Richie said, his voice tight with tension and restraint.

“So close, oh _God_ , Richie...fuck...so...so...go-good...please…”

Eddie’s toes curled and his head tossed back against the pillow, hips thrusting upwards as he came all over his stomach and Richie’s hand too. The feeling of him clenching and fluttering around his cock pulled Richie over the edge not long after and he kept rocking, riding it out as Eddie twitched and whined beneath him, feeling incredibly sated and somewhat overstimulated. Richie pulled out slowly when he finished, tying off the condom.

Eddie felt his loss when he disappeared from the bed but felt grateful for the cool washcloth he ran over his heated skin when he returned. Then they collapsed onto the bed, Eddie practically lying on top of Richie with his head pressed over his heart. They laid there for a long time without speaking, catching their breath and letting their aching, tired bodies relax. Richie stroked his fingers through Eddie’s hair, feeling overwhelmed with affection for him.

“I don’t know what to call you,” Eddie admitted after a while, his voice slightly hoarse.

“Sex god is good with me,” Richie responded without missing a beat. “Dick whisperer, if you really want. But you can call me Richie in proper company.”

Eddie let out a quiet laugh, smacking his hand over Richie’s shoulder.

“That’s not what I meant, dipshit,” he said as Richie grinned up at the ceiling. “I mean what do I _call_ you? What do you call me? What… what are we?”

Part of him felt ridiculous for asking, like he was being needy or overbearing. But Richie didn’t tense beneath him or push him away.

“Boyfriend doesn’t sound right, does it?” Richie asked, clearly contemplating it.

He shook his head, stroking his fingers over Richie’s ribs.

“And lover is creepy,” Eddie said, wrinkling his nose.

“Associate sounds odd,” Richie said.

“You think?”

“Pal is a little too casual.”

“Richie…”

“Ally makes us sound like we’re fighting a war.”

“Seriously…”

“Compatriate isn’t any better.”

“Stop.”

“Comrade might give people the wrong idea,” Richie said with a poor Russian accent.

“Rich,” Eddie said, trying his very best not to laugh.

“Seriously, Eds. they might think we’re Russian spies,” Richie said.

“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie said, losing the battle with himself.

“Et tu, comrade?”

He buried his face in Richie’s chest to muffle his laughter. Eddie could just feel his smugness radiating off of him. He couldn’t even bring himself to be annoyed. Not when Richie made him laugh like this. When he lifted his head, eyes shining happily, Richie gazed at him and brushed his thumb over Eddie’s flushed cheek.

“You told me something back on that first night,” he said, enjoying the sight of Eddie’s mussed hair and kiss-swollen lips. “And I’m gonna steal it cause you’re everything, Eddie. It doesn’t really matter what we call ourselves because that’s what we are. Everything.”

Eddie felt the same overwhelming affection, pushing up to meet Richie’s lips in a soft kiss.

*

The next three months passed in a blur of school, work, friends, holidays, and Richie. Their group melded effortlessly. Stan and Bill were just as happy as ever. Bev and Ben were dancing around each other, flirting and casting longing looks that would eventually bring them together. Eddie couldn’t remember a time he’d been quite this happy. Everything was going perfectly. It was... bliss. Utter and complete bliss. He knew that it couldn’t last forever. It wasn’t supposed to. Reality would sink in eventually.

He just wished that the bliss could have lasted a little bit longer.

*

It started with Richie.

They were in his apartment. Eddie was sprawled over his bed on his stomach, books and papers surrounding him as he studied. Richie was sitting on his couch, back facing Eddie as he opened his mail. It wasn’t until a heavy sigh filled the room that Eddie tore his eyes away from the text, realizing that something was wrong. Richie’s shoulders were just a little bit hunched, his hand rubbing at his eyes beneath his glasses. It was a telltale sign of his stress. Eddie pushed to his feet, crossing over to him.

“What is it?” he asked, sitting on the couch behind him.

“Nothing,” Richie mumbled, dropping his hand heavily to his lap.

“Richie…” Eddie said, not buying it.

He didn’t answer for a long time. Then his shoulders curved forward even more and he sighed again.

“My rent,” he said, holding up the paper in his hand. “I have to resign my lease and they’re increasing it. I can’t afford to move so I guess I have to pay it but…”

Eddie slid his arms around Richie’s waist, pressing his cheek between his shoulder blades. He knew what it was like to stress over finances, having been there himself when he had to figure out how to pay for college, rent, and food without any help.

“But?” he said.

Richie just shrugged, his hand coming up to clasp over Eddie’s.

“I love the job at the radio station but it’s an entry level position and they don’t pay me enough to cover the increase,” he finally admitted.

Eddie thought about it.

“Can you take a second job with your school and work schedule?” he asked.

“There’s one I can take,” Richie said quietly.

It suddenly dawned on Eddie. He didn’t know how it didn’t occur to him immediately.

“The hotline,” he said.

Richie tensed a little in his arms.

“Yeah.”

Eddie let a few moments pass in silence before pressing a kiss to Richie’s shoulder.

“I think you should do it.”

Richie was turning in his arms as soon as the words left his lips, his eyes round beneath his glasses.

“You do?” he asked, clearly taken aback.

Eddie tilted his head to the side a little bit, confused at his reaction.

“Of course. It makes sense,” he said, stroking Richie’s curly hair out of his face. “Why did you think I wouldn’t be okay with it?”

“I dunno,” Richie said, averting his gaze.

“Yes you do,” Eddie sighed.

Richie didn’t answer for a long few moments but Eddie waited patiently.

“I thought you might have been embarrassed of it,” he finally said, still not looking at Eddie.

Eddie stared at him for a long moment before letting out a laugh. Richie looked up at him, taken by surprise again.

“Richie how did we meet?” he said.

“I know, but…”

“But nothing. I’m not embarrassed. Not even close,” Eddie said, stroking his fingers over Richie’s jaw.

Richie frowned a little, a small crease forming between his brows.

“But you won’t tell Bill or Mike or Ben,” he pointed out.

Eddie realized where this was coming from, letting out a slow breath before climbing into Richie’s lap, shoving the offending mail aside as he cupped his cheeks in both hands.

“I didn’t do that because I’m ashamed of you or how we met,” he said, pushing Richie’s glasses up on his head to stroke at his temples and soothe him. “I didn’t want you to feel like _you_ had to tell them. That’s part of your life as much as it is mine and I wasn’t going to tell them unless you were comfortable with it. We just never talked about whether we wanted to tell them.”

Almost a full minute passed as Richie relaxed into him, his hands curving around Eddie’s hips.

“Oh,” he finally breathed out.

Eddie leaned in, brushing a soft kiss over his stress-bitten lips. It wasn’t until two whole weeks later that he was confronted with the reality of Richie working for the hotline again. He usually stayed away when Richie was taking calls, just for the sake of not distracting him. When he let himself into Richie’s apartment towards the end of his shift, he heard Richie’s low voice coming from the couch and immediately drew up short at the sight of the phone cradled to his ear.

But Richie looked over at him and waved him in, holding up all the fingers on one hand to tell Eddie that it wouldn’t more than five more minutes. He nodded, feeling a little bit awkward as he slipped inside and closed the door as quietly as he could. Eddie was carrying takeout from their favorite Thai place so he went straight to the kitchen, dropping his school bag by the bed and kicking off his shoes as he went. He tried not to listen. He really did. Eddie busied his hands with taking the food boxes out and placing them on the counter, hoping it wasn’t disrupting Richie.

“Yeah, baby boy,” Richie’s voice crooned from the couch, low and thrilling just like it was when he fucked into Eddie slow and purposefully.

Eddie gripped the edge of the counter, sinking his teeth into his lower lip.

“You like that? When I fuck you hard and fast?”

His knuckles were quickly turning white and his fingers starting to ache as he tried not to react. Richie wasn’t talking to him. It was his job. Eddie shouldn’t react to any of it like this. He took a deep breath in through his nose and let it out slowly, closing his eyes.

“You’re being good, aren’t you?” Richie hummed, rustling around on the couch as if he was getting impatient with the call even though it didn’t show in his husky voice. “You know you have to be good for daddy if you wanna come.”

Eddie’s eyes flew open, the strangled noise catching in his throat by pure luck. He turned away from the kitchen, walking across the apartment as slowly as he could. He felt Richie’s eyes on him as he crossed in front of him, only hoping that he couldn’t see the redness in his cheeks. Eddie closed the bathroom door behind him, turning on the cold water to splash it in his face. It barely did anything, much to his disappointment.

Eddie sat on the edge of the bathtub, breathing in and out deeply as he pressed the heel of his hand over his strained jeans, trying to will his boner away. It didn’t work. He kept hearing those words in his head again and again. Then Richie knocked on the door with a sharp rap of his knuckles and Eddie nearly jumped out of his skin, not even realizing that the call was over.

“Hey, you okay?” Richie called out, sounding like his normal self again.

It was strange, how quickly he flipped the switch. Meanwhile Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about it.

“Yeah,” he said in answer, looking up at his hot cheeks and wide eyes in the mirror. “I’m fine.”

There was a loaded pause and Eddie knew that Richie didn’t believe him. He tried the door and it was unlocked, because Eddie didn’t feel the need to lock it. He looked away when Richie pushed the door open and peered in.

“Eds, hey.”

His hand was on Eddie’s chin and lifting it, looking down into his eyes. Eddie stared up at him with a quickly beating heart, certain that Richie could see his thoughts written across his face.

“You sure?” he asked, stroking his thumb over the spots of color on Eddie’s cheek. “You look…”

Richie trailed off, tilting his head to the side. Eddie knew exactly how he looked. They both did.

“Are you… turned on?” Richie asked, his eyebrows creeping up towards his hairline.

Eddie scoffed, trying to turn his head away. But then Richie was in front of him, squatting down in front of him with his hands on Eddie’s knees.

“You are,” Richie said, his lips quirking up with amusement. “Was it the voice? I know it’s irresistible but…”

 _Yes_ , a voice in Eddie’s mind screamed. _Say yes! It’s your ticket out of whatever the hell is going on here!_ But Eddie shook his head slowly, the combination of Richie’s dark, addicting gaze and his warm hands on Eddie’s thighs making his head spin just enough to tell the truth.

“Then wha-”

Richie cut off, his eyes growing wide. He stared up at Eddie for a long time and the urge to bury his face in his hands was strong. Then Richie’s eyes were gleaming with _something_ , his thumb brushing over Eddie’s inner thigh in sweeping circles that he could feel even through his pants.

“You liked hearing me talk like that, didn’t you Eddie?” Richie asked, _that_ voice returning.

Eddie tried not to shiver but it was impossible not to react when he was so close.

“Come on,” he said enticingly, his hands traveling up Eddie’s thighs slowly.

“You don’t have to… we can just…” Eddie started to suggest that they relax but then Richie was leaning up, pressing hot kisses along the column of his throat.

“Tell me,” Richie said, his voice alluring as he tugged Eddie down to straddle his lap. “What do you want?”

Eddie tilted his head back in spite of himself.

“I don’t-I don’t want to be like _them_ ,” he whispered, referring to Richie’s clients.

Richie drew away, looking into his eyes.

“You’re more,” he said, running his thumb over Eddie’s bottom lip. “You’re so much more.”

Eddie turned it all over in his mind, considering it for almost a minute before nodding slowly.

“I liked it,” he whispered, knowing he couldn’t say it any louder.

Richie’s eyes flashed with appreciation and desire.

“You did, huh?” he said, his hands moving around to cup Eddie’s ass. “You want to hear it, sweetheart? Wanna hear me talk like that?”

He rocked up into Eddie, drawing a soft moan out of his lips as he lifted his head towards the ceiling, his eyelids growing heavy at the friction.

“Y-yes,” Eddie breathed out, his cheeks growing even warmer at the confession.

“Mmmm,” Richie hummed, nuzzling into Eddie’s throat again. “Be good for daddy and I’ll do whatever you want.”

Eddie dug his fingers into Richie’s shoulders and whimpered, his pants growing impossibly tight.

“Fuck,” he choked out.

Richie barely gave him a chance to catch his breath, pushing up to his feet without letting go. Then he was leading Eddie out of the bathroom, their hands clasped tightly until they got to the bed. Then Richie turned around, sitting down on the edge. He looked up at Eddie, pulling him in with his hands on his hips.

“Take your shirt off for me, Eds,” he said.

Eddie did just that, slipping it off over his head. Richie skimmed his hands up his sides, over his ribs, his thumbs flicking at Eddie’s nipples as he gasped and his hands flailed for a moment, unsure of what to do. Then Richie was unfastening his pants, pushing them down over his hips and legs until Eddie stepped out of them, kicking them away. Skimming his lips over the skin just above Eddie’s waistband teasingly, Richie raised his eyes to meet his gaze as he stroked at him through his thin briefs.

“Oh,” Eddie let out shakily, fighting the urge to thrust into Richie’s hand for more. “Please.”

“Please what?” Richie asked, kissing over to his hip.

“Please… I want more. I need-I need you to touch me.”

It felt forbidden and thrilling and dirty but in a good way and Eddie couldn’t quite get enough of the thrill that ran through his entire body when Richie shot him a lopsided smile.

“I’ll make it so good for you,” he said, tugging Eddie onto the bed.

He shivered with anticipation, laying back so that Richie could pull his boxers off. But he didn’t undress, reaching over for the lube that was still sitting on the pillow from their morning activities. He shouldered Eddie’s thighs apart and licked a stripe up his cock, pulling a moan from his lips.

“You can behave for me, can’t you baby boy?” Richie asked, looking up at him as he stroked his cock with one hand while popping the top off the lube with the other.

Eddie nodded quickly, curling his hands into the blankets.

“Go ahead and pull your knees up to your chest for me.”

Heat rushed to his groin as Eddie did just that, cupping his hands around the backs of his knees to hold his legs in place. It got harder to stay still when Richie closed his lips around his cock, teasing a finger at his hole as he sucked him off. Eddie couldn’t do much but lay there, moaning out Richie’s name and clenching around his fingers when he pushed two in to start. They’d had sex that morning so he was already somewhat stretched, making it easier to work him open. Richie pulled off his cock when the joint sensations became too much to handle, fucking him open with three fingers as he kissed, sucked, and bit at his inner thighs, leaving a trail of red marks that would surely turn to hickies.

“Fu-fuck Ri-Ri…” Eddie broke off, his skin growing slick with sweat where he held his legs. “ _Daddy_ …I’m gonna…c-come…please…”

Richie groaned, pulling his fingers out just when Eddie was on the edge. He didn’t give him much of a chance to come down, pushing up on his knees before rolling a condom on his cock and lining up. He pushed Eddie’s knees further back towards his chest, taking advantage of the yoga that the smaller man had started to do with Beverly as he pressed in slowly.

“Oh fuck,” Richie drew out the words slowly as he bottomed out.

Eddie reached up, sliding his fingers in Richie’s hair to comb through and tug at it as he fucked into him slow and deep. He reached for his cock, desperate for more, but Richie caught his wrists, letting to of his legs to hold them over his head. It was extremely hot and left Eddie feeling even more turned on as he tried to fuck himself down on Richie faster.

“Be good,” Richie warned, still thrusting into him with even strokes. “Or daddy will have to punish you.”

Eddie moaned, arching towards him. Any other time, that might have been something he wanted to explore. But right now he was too high strung to think about doing anything that might lose the feeling of Richie’s cock inside him. Keeping Eddie’s wrists locked in one hand, Richie reached down to stroke at his cock, stripping him with quick movements before slowing to a teasing pace, brushing his thumb over the leaking tip as he kept fucking into him at an even pace.

When Eddie felt his orgasm creeping up on him again, he didn’t say anything past the moans and cries but his body language gave him away as he writhed and bucked, his breaths coming out in short gasps. Richie wrapped his fingers around the base of Eddie’s cock, interrupting his peak yet again and drawing a frustrated whine out of his chest. Richie leaned down, catching his lips in a bruising kiss that Eddie arched up into, matching every stroke of his tongue and scrape of his teeth.

“Good boys don’t come until they’re told,” Richie murmured against his lips.

“Please,” Eddie begged.

Richie pulled out and he huffed at the loss, letting his head fall back to the bed. Then Richie was lying beside him, tugging at his hands.

“You’re gonna ride me,” he said when Eddie looked over at him questioningly.

That was all it took for him to scramble to his knees, fighting the urge to touch his throbbing cock. This was something Eddie was definitely happy to do. He straddled Richie’s thighs, reaching back to line him up. It was impossible to resist keeping his fingers there, feeling the stretch of his hole as he sank back onto Richie, moaning at the feeling. Richie’s hands went to his hips, guiding him as he rocked, twisted, and bounced. He controlled the pace, letting Eddie go only as fast he allowed.

It was hot and frustrating all at once. He wanted more but felt almost drunk on the feeling of Richie holding him back. Being guided and encouraged and dominated in a way made it all more intense. When Eddie scraped his nails over his chest desperately, overwhelming heat building in his lower belly, Richie hissed and began moving, meeting him thrust for thrust as the bed creaked beneath them. Eddie could hear his cries getting louder and louder, pleading words spilling out of his mouth.

“ _Pleasepleaseplease_...Richie...daddy...please...I need to come!”

Richie pulled him off until he was almost all the way out, planting his feet on the bed before he began fucking up into Eddie at a relentless place. He practically shouted Richie’s name as he struck his prostate again and again.

“Come for me, baby boy,” Richie said through gritted teeth.

Eddie did just that, his cock twitching and coming in spurts across Richie’s abdomen and chest as he gripped at his shoulders. He’d never come untouched before, taking them both by surprise as he fought to keep himself upright, his body spasming above Richie’s until he let out a string of curses, fucking up into him slower and slower until he pulled out. Eddie grabbed a package of wet wipes as Richie reached around him, peeling off the condom to tie it and toss it to the trash can they kept next to the bed now. They both cleaned each other before Eddie collapsed to the bed on his side. He wasn’t surprised at all when Richie tugged him back into his chest, wrapping an arm around his waist as he trailed kisses over his heated skin.

“Holy shit,” he finally said.

Eddie smiled, nearly burying his flushing cheeks into the mattress. Holy shit indeed.

“Is it weird? That I liked that?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper as Richie’s fingers skimmed over his soft stomach.

“No,” Richie said, shaking his head. “It’s okay to have kinks, Eds.”

Eddie somehow knew that he was right.

“A year ago, I would have run the other way if I so much as heard the word kink,” he said thoughtfully. “I still don’t think I’ve thanked you enough.”

“Stop,” Richie sighed, pressing forehead to Eddie’s shoulder blade. “You don’t have to thank me. _You’re_ the one who got yourself here. You were so brave, picking up that phone, wanting to get better. I didn’t have anything to do with that.”

Eddie knew that he was right about that too. He was still trying to think of himself as strong. As brave. It was easier every day.

“You still helped,” he said quietly.

Richie didn’t argue again, nuzzling into Eddie’s back as they both dozed, their bodies cooling and relaxing in the comforting presence of one another. Then the sound of Eddie’s phone pierced the air and he groaned, pulled out of his sleepy daze.

“Ignore it,” Richie said, his voice muffled.

“It might be work,” Eddie said, pulling out of his arms to roll onto his stomach, reaching down into his school bag to pull his phone out of the pocket.

It wasn’t school but it was Bill. He answered anyway, pressing it to his ear as Richie scooted over to him, pressing kisses over his spine.

“Hello?” Eddie said, smiling contentedly.

“Eddie,” Bill said, sounding both serious and hesitant.

The smile faded from his lips as he sat up a little bit, the sudden tension in his body gaining Richie’s attention.

“What is it?” Eddie asked warily.

He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want anything to ruin this perfect moment. But he asked and Bill answered. Eddie’s heart dropped and a sick feeling twisted in his stomach as it all came crashing down with three words.

“It’s your m-mom.”

*

Richie sat on his bed, legs curled beneath him, and Bill leaned against the doorway of his bedroom. They were both watching him pack meticulously, folding every piece of clothing perfectly and fitting it all into his suitcase, their gazes heavy on him. Eddie didn’t look back. He couldn’t. It would make it too hard. He hadn’t so much as talked to his mom in over two years. It shouldn’t have made him feel guilty that he was so hesitant to go back home but it did.

His aunts didn’t know how to get a hold of him. They spoke to Sharon Denbrough, who called her eldest son, who told Eddie. Sonia was in the hospital and Eddie had to go. She was his mom. He couldn’t just say no, even though that’s exactly what Richie and Bill wanted him to do. He knew if he talked to Mike and Ben, even Bev and Stan, they would agree. But Eddie had to go back.

She was his mom.

“Eds,” Richie said, reaching out to hold his wrist gently as his hands shook when he tried to zip up the suitcase. “Please let someone come wi-”

“No,” Eddie cut him off quietly, shaking his head.

He didn’t want anyone coming with him. He didn’t want to expose anyone else from this life to his mother. Not Richie. Not Bill. Not anyone. He wasn’t going to let her poison any of it. Eddie could do it by himself. He was strong. Richie told him so. He was even believing it more often than not. He could get through it.

“I-it’s not a b-b-bad idea,” Bill spoke up, his arms crossed and his forehead creased with worry.

Richie may not have met Sonia Kaspbrak face to face but he couldn’t banish the image of the red-faced, overbearing woman if he tried. He didn’t want Eddie anywhere near her but if he had to go, taking someone for moral support might help.

“No,” Eddie said again, an air of finality to his voice. “This is my decision. It’s only for a few days until she goes home. Then I’m coming back.”

He pulled the small suitcase off of the bed, letting it fall to the ground before pulling up the handle. Bill stepped to the side as he grabbed his backpack, pulling it on. They both followed him out to the living room, exchanging wary looks behind his back. Then Eddie was turning around and hugging Bill first, his grip tight, betraying his strained emotions. Bill hugged him back, hoping that he could provide some measure of comfort for the man he considered as close as a brother. Then Eddie pulled away and nodded without looking up at him.

The hug with Richie was far different. He gripped at the lapels of his leather jacket and buried his face into his shirt, smelling cologne and leather and smoke that filled him with familiarity and affection. But it wasn’t quite enough to calm him this time. Richie cradled the back of his head gently, lowering his mouth to Eddie’s ear to whisper reassuring words into his ear. It was only a few days. He was only a phone call away. Say the word and he’d be out in Derry before he knew it. Eddie nodded along with him before pulling away.

He pushed up on his toes, bringing Richie in for a hard, desperate kiss. They both tried to ignore the tears that wet their cheeks, slipping out from beneath Eddie’s eyes. Richie knew that he wouldn’t want to talk about it. He could only hope that their fears were for nothing. It was unlikely, but nothing else was going to get them through this moment. Then Eddie was turning away, taking a deep breath and wiping away the tears before grabbing his suitcase handle again. He headed for the door without looking back. He couldn’t let them see his eyes.

They couldn’t know how terrified he was.

*

Derry looked the same. Eddie tried not to look around too much. Without Bill, Mike, or Ben there, the town held very few good memories for him. He pointedly refused to glance up as they passed the pharmacy, picking at a thread on his jacket. HIs aunt yammered away in the seat next to him, talking about how difficult her sister had been since she woke up in the hospital.  Eddie wasn’t surprised, by his mother’s behavior or his aunt’s exasperation over it. There wasn’t much time spent with his aunts as he grew up. They had no qualms about questioning his mother’s decisions, often criticizing how she raised Eddie. She hardly ever invited them over because of it. It caused his childhood to be even more isolated. If it weren’t for his friends, he wouldn’t have survived it.

“You alright, Edward?” Aunt Charlotte asked, peering over at him. “You’re looking a bit peckish.”

He shrugged, rubbing his palm over his jeans nervously.

“Tired from the flight,” he lied.

His phone buzzed in his lap, probably something from the group chat with his six friends. He’d told them that he landed at the airport and was headed to Derry a while ago but couldn’t quite summon up the energy to answer any of their responded texts. He knew that there was a good chance Richie and Bill texted him individually too. He couldn’t see those right now either. He didn’t want them on his mind when he saw his mom.

“Well how about we go to the house so you can get some rest?” she suggested.

Eddie’s heart jumped in his chest at the thought of seeing his old house again. Of course that’s where they would be staying. He was half-tempted to find a hotel for himself so he didn’t have to. But he knew his aunts might be offended.

“I wouldn’t turn down a shower,” he said.

It wasn’t that he needed one. But if he was going to his mom, he wasn’t going to give her more things to criticize him about.

“Of course,” Aunt Charlotte said with a nod.

They got to the house quicker than he wanted to. Eddie felt anxiety filling him as he stared up at the familiar bricks and rickety porch. He’d fought with his mother right there the day he left, their voices raised, careless of who heard. She screamed every horrible word in the book, calling him names and telling him that he was dirty and bad. Bill pulled him away as he cried, turning his back on Sonia Kaspbrak and any hope of rekindling with her. Eddie didn’t try to fool himself into thinking it might be better. That the years might have softened her.

“Come on, dear,” his aunt said, looking at him with understanding.

He got out of the car on shaking legs, retrieving his suitcase and backpack before heading up the sidewalk to the porch. Eddie closed his mind to anymore memories, making his way inside and directly up the stairs. His other two aunts weren’t anywhere to be seen. They must have been at the hospital. Eddie approached his former room warily, wondering what he would find. A sick, swooping feeling settled in his stomach when he pushed open the door and found that it hadn’t changed much at all.

His personal belongings were all gone but the same furniture took up space, as well as his old comforter and rug. Eddie moved further inside, sitting on the edge of the breath. He bent over, burying his face in his hands as he took deep breaths. It even smelled the same. It was hard not to let it affect him but he managed to shove it all down and stand up, retrieving a fresh set of clothes as well as his toiletries. The shower that he took was on this side of too hot, turning his skin pink as he scrubbed and scrubbed, wondering if he could scrape away the memories of this place that pushed in at his mind.

_“You need to be a good, clean boy, Eddie Bear.”_

_“Dirty boys are bad.”_

_“You don’t want to be bad, do you sweetie?”_

Hot tears mixed with the spray of water until he shut it off, forcing himself to adopt a neutral expression as he dried off and dressed. Eddie left his hair to dry and curl at the ends, as he usually did now. It was long because of the winter. His mother would hate it. He didn’t care. Eddie came down the stairs slowly, watching as his aunt puttered around the kitchen.

“I made a sandwich for you, dear,” she said, holding out a plate as soon as she spotted it. “How about you eat some of it before we head to the hospital?”

Eddie nodded, wondering if it was just this place or this town that made him feel so unassertive. He hated it. Aunt Charlotte probably wouldn’t be offended if he said no but Eddie just… didn’t feel like he could. So he ate the sandwich and drank a bottle of water that she set in front of him too before walking back outside with her. He left his phone up in his room. He was serious when he said there was no way he would bring his friend anywhere near his mother.

The hospital looked just like he remembered too.

Eddie could remember countless visits, including for his broken arm. Henry Bowers had laughed gleefully at that, but nowhere near as much as Eddie did. He was just a kid who was feeling real pain for the first time. And it was strengthening in a way. That was just the beginning. Eddie climbed out of the car, trying to remember how he felt when he finally started to stand up to his mother. Refusing to take medicines and refusing to listen to her homophobic rants.

He followed Aunt Charlotte through the halls, finding his other two aunts sitting outside of a room, one knitting and the other reading. He didn’t know why they were sitting out there instead of the room but he could hazard a few guesses. They both looked up at his approach, pulling him into hugs and fussing over him warmly, unlike how his mother usually did. They praised his handsomeness, claiming he looked so much like his father before exchanging looks and stepping aside.

“She may be asleep,” Aunt Kathryn said quietly, pushing the door open. “She’s been asking for you all day.”

Eddie stepped into the room with a heavy weight on his shoulders, clasping his hands in front of him and glancing around nervously until his eyes settled on his mother. She wasn’t asleep. Her cold eyes fixed on him, looking up and down for a long minute before she let out a scoff, sitting up a little straighter in her bed.

“Well,” she said, her voice just as critical as he remembered, as if she found him severely lacking somehow. “It’s about time.”

He swallowed hard and dragged himself closer to the bed, putting his hand on the railing at the end.

“How are you, Mama?” he asked.

Sonia didn’t answer, her eyes flitting to her sisters. He prayed that they would stay but they went, closing the door behind themselves, leaving him alone with her. Maybe they thought he was strong too. Was he? Doubt was creeping in again, nudging at the edge of his mind.

“That’s a ridiculous question, Eddie,” she said, her voice snappish. “I’m in a hospital, miserable as can be after having a _heart attack_ and you just took your sweet time getting here.”

“I came as soon as I heard,” Eddie said, reeling a little bit at her words.

He didn’t know it was a heart attack. The way Bill made it sound after talking to his mother who talked to Aunt Pamela, it sounded like a fainting spell or something.

“I’m in no mood to hear your excuses,” Sonia said, folding her meaty hands on her lap as she gave him yet another critical once-over. “Is this how you walk around that city? With ratty clothes and simply horrid hair?”

Eddie glanced down. He was wearing a loose sweater and a pair of jeans with plain black sneakers. There was nothing ratty about his clothes but then, she didn’t need to think much to find fault with something.

“It’s comfortable,” he sighed, not even bothering to defend his hair.

“Mmm,” she said, turning her head towards the television hanging up in the corner. “And I assume you’re still spending time with _those_ people.”

“My friends? Yes.”

“I used to think that Denbrough boy was such a good influence,” she said, shaking her head.

Eddie’s hands curled into fists as ire rose in his chest. If there was one thing that got him angry, it was someone criticizing Bill when he’d done so much for Eddie.

“He’s better than most people,” he said.

His mother scoffed but didn’t look at him or respond.

“Since you’re here, you might as well make yourself useful,” she said, still staring up at the screen,. “This is what I need from the house.”

*

Eddie collapsed against the pillows on his old bed, his phone cradled in his hand as tears stung at his eyes. It was dark outside, finally. The end of visiting hours couldn’t come soon enough and he’d ducked out of the room before his mother could make the outrageous suggestion that her adult son be allowed to sleep on a cot next to her bed. He didn’t think it too beneath her to try. Eddie quickly texted back all his friends, promising Bill especially that he’d call him tomorrow. But there was only one person he wanted to hear from right now.

“Eds,” Richie sounded relieved as soon as he answered.

Eddie bit down hard on his lip, trying his best not to cry at the sound of his voice. But a sob rose in his throat and he pressed his forehead into his hand, hoping that Richie didn’t hear it.

“Hey,” he said softly, sounding worried and angry. “Talk to me.”

Eddie shook his head, sniffling as he wiped at his cheeks.

“I can’t,” he choked out, a shudder running through his body. “Please, I just… I don’t want to think about it.”

“Okay,” Richie said with understanding. “But know that I’ll come kick someone’s ass if I need to.”

Eddie couldn’t help but let out a laugh at that, shaking his head again.

“I know,” he said.

“Seriously. I’ll beat the shit out of them.”

Eddie sighed, letting his head fall back against the pillow.

“Can you just talk to me?” he asked, closing his eyes to shut out the room and the rest of the world.

“That I can definitely do.”

With that, Richie launched one story after another, filling him on everything that happened at the radio, how his neighbor tried to steal his takeout food, how ridiculous Stan was being about a simple harmless prank, and on and on he went. Eddie found comfort in every word he spoke, relaxing more and more until he fell asleep to the sound of Richie’s voice in his ear.

*

The next few days passed much the same, with him doing what his mother needed, his aunts looking on disapprovingly from the sidelines, and Eddie calling Richie and Bill pretty much every night just to hear them. Sometimes he called the others too, listening on someone’s speaker phone when they were all together. It was the only time he could truly relax. The fourth day of his visit was when it all went bad.

His aunts were eating out at lunch and Eddie was nibbling on terrible cafeteria food next to his mother’s bed as she chatted on and on about her surgery. Eddie didn’t even really know what the surgery was for but he didn’t ask either, listening and nodding his head every once in a while so she thought he was listening when his mind was on going home.

“Eddie are you even listening to me?”

His head snapped up and his eyes were wide and guilty.

“Sorry Ma,” he said, dropping his fork to his tray. “I was thinking about school.”

She clicked her tongue and shook her head.

“I want more water,” she said.

Eddie nodded, grateful for the escape. He slipped out into the hallway and made his way to the vending machine at the end of the hall, pulling a dollar bill out of his pocket. It wasn’t until he made his way back towards his mom’s room, bottle of water in hand, that he heard her doctor talking to a nurse just loudly enough that he could hear. Neither of them saw that he was nearby so they didn’t stop.

“Make sure you get a psych consult on Mrs. Kaspbrak,” the doctor said in a low voice.

The nurse nodded, scribbling it down.

“And if she refuses?” she asked.

“Well we can’t force her but we can certainly try before she’s discharged. She keeps going on and on about having a heart attack and it’s grounds enough to call on someone to check her out. I’ve never had a patient so fixated on a delusion…”

Eddie didn’t wait to hear the rest, feeling somewhat detached and numb as he stepped into his mother’s room. She held her hand out for the bottle of water as soon as he stepped up beside the bed and he handed it over.

“Why are you here, Ma?” he asked as she unscrewed the top.

Sonia peered at him, her eyes narrowing a little bit.

“I told you, Eddie Bear,” she said, her voice sickly sweet.

He’d heard that tone before. It was the one she used when she was caught in a lie. The one she used when he confronted her about the placebos.

“Bullshit,” Eddie said, using the same word he did back then.

Sonia clutched at the bottle of water a little bit tighter.

“You know I don’t like that kind of language, Edward Kaspbrak,” she said.

“It’s bullshit,” Eddie repeated, stepping away from the bed. “Why are you really here?”

“I had a heart attack,” she said, her eyes wide and pleading.

“No you didn’t,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “Stop lying to me.”

She stared at him and he stared right back.

“Tell me right now or I’m leaving and never coming back,” Eddie said.

Sonia huffed, rolling her eyes and waving her hand.

“You’ve said that before and look at you. You’re here now,” she said.

“Because you’re in the hospital,” Eddie said, his anger rising more and more.

Then he paused, slowly fitting the pieces together in his mind.

“You’re in the hospital,” he repeated, looking at her. “That’s why I’m here.”

Sonia was doing her best to ignore him.

“Ma did you lie to get me back here?” he asked.

She finally looked at him again.

“You need me, Eddie,” she said in a low voice, abandoning the sweet, innocent tone. “How else was I supposed to get you to come home?”

He stared at her with round, disbelieving eyes. She’d done a lot of things in his life but he really thought that there would be a limit to her manipulation.

“You didn’t have a heart attack,” Eddie said.

“Low blood sugar,” she said, waving her hand again. “Let’s move on from that, it truly doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter!” Eddie said, his voice raising in pitch. “You lied to me!”

Sonia stared at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I wouldn’t have to if my son would come visit his mother every once in a while. I knew you were abandoning me the moment that you decided to go to that ridiculous school but that does not mean that I will ever abandon you. How could I? With your… sickness.”

Her face twisted into a sneer as she said the last word and Eddie knew. He knew that his sexuality was at the heart of this entire thing. He backed away even more from the bed, running his hand through his hair, a habit he’d picked up from Richie.

“I can’t believe you did this,” he said.

Only yes, he really could believe it. That made it even worse.

“I can help you, Eddie,” his mother said, reaching out towards him. “You know we can get past this together. You just have to let me help.”

He turned his blazing eyes on her.

“I’m not sick!” Eddie yelled.

She recoiled a little bit, blinking several times.

“That’s what those friends of yours have taught you,” Sonia said sadly, shaking her head. “But it’s not true. You _are_ sick, sweetie. Those unnatural thoughts are just poisoning your mind and you’ll never be truly happy until you set yourself free from them. It’s _dirty_ , Eddie. You know that. It’s dirty and bad and I won’t let it happen to a son of mine.”

Eddie felt tears stinging at his eyes, both angry and devastated, and he couldn’t wait to put distance between himself and his mother. He turned away from her, grabbing his jacket and backpack from the floor before shoving them both on.

“Eddie,” she said, her voice getting high and reedy like she was about to cry just to make him stay. “Eddie where are you going? I need you.”

“No,” he said, moving towards the door.

But he stopped, looking back at her with a twisting stomach and racing heart, his hand clutching the doorknob tightly.

“There’s nothing wrong with me and I am happy,” he said, his voice wavering. “I have someone who is my everything and I am happy. And you have nothing to do with it.”

Eddie knew it was a mistake to mention Richie to her the moment that her eyes narrowed. But he turned away and headed out the door before she could say another word, ignoring the looks of everyone who heard his shouts as he barrelled towards the stairs, not bothering with the elevator. Eddie barely made it ten feet out of the door before he was hunched over on the grass, emptying the meager contents of his stomach as he coughed and retched.

_Dirty._

_Bad._

_Need me._

_Sickness._

_Poisoning your mind._

Eddie kept heaving as his mother’s words echoed through his mind again and again. Then he straightened up, wiped his mouth, and started walking. He wandered aimlessly for hours, feeling numbness settling in, making it back to the house just before the sun began to set. His phone began ringing where he tossed it on the bed as he stripped off his jacket and shoes. Eddie glanced at the screen and saw that it was Richie calling. Reaching out, he pressed the button to silence his phone before turning away to walk into the bathroom.

He needed a hot shower.

*

Eddie didn’t leave the house until the next afternoon, when Aunt Kathryn knocked on the door to tell him they were going to pick his mother up. He rode to the hospital with them, ignoring their pitying gazes the whole way. When they climbed out and walked in, she was already waiting in the lobby, sitting in a wheelchair with her overnight bag in her lap and her purse hanging off of her arm. She looked impatient but her eyes lit up when Eddie approached her with the others.

“Good,” she said, holding her bag out to him. “You’ll need to go grocery shopping. I’m sure the stock of food in the house is pitiful. And I won’t be able to cook for a while so you’ll have to make us food too. I’m sure you remember how. We can have your things sent from New York. I’m sure that Denbrough boy will pack them for you.”

Eddie stared at her, wondering how she could be so ignorant.

“I’m not staying,” he said, cutting her off before she could continue.

“Well of course you are,” she huffed as if it was ridiculous to think otherwise. “I’m your mother.”

“No you’re not.”

Her eyes snapped to him and narrowed.

“Edward-”

“You’re not,” he said, forcing his voice to stay calm. “From now on, you’re out of my life. I don’t want to hear from you. No calls, no letters, nothing. Leave Bill’s family alone. They won’t give me messages from you anymore. You’re never going to see me again.”

She stared at him, her mouth agape.

“Goodbye,” Eddie said, turning away.

He barely got a few steps before her shrill voice was calling out to him.

“You can’t leave me!” she cried.

Eddie turned back around to face her.

“Yes,” he said, raising his chin. “I can.”

His aunts looked proud. The nurse behind the wheelchair was doing her best to look neutral while interest stirred in her eyes. But his mother looked like she could scream, her hands clenching at the armrests of the chair.

“He’ll leave you,” she said in a low voice.

“Sonia,” Aunt Kathryn said, her eyes widening at her sister’s cruel voice.

She waved her off, still looking at Eddie.

“This boy who makes you happy? The day will come that he doesn’t want you anymore. He’ll leave you dirty and used and you’ll come crawling back to me. And I will welcome you back, Eddie Bear. Because I’m your mother and no one will ever _ever_ love you like I do.”

Eddie felt like he was going to be sick all over again. He pressed his shaking hands into the pockets of his jacket and turned away, each step feeling a little bit easier than the last. There was a cab that he called before coming to the hospital waiting for him outside and he pulled his suitcase out of the trunk of his aunt’s car before climbing in. It was over. He was going home and there was nothing she could do about. He was _free_.

So why didn’t it feel good?

*

Eddie didn’t call anyone when he got to the airport in New York, picking up his suitcase and hailing another cab to take him home. He still felt on edge, like one single thing could happen and every single emotion he’d shoved down over the past week would come back rearing its ugly head. Part of Eddie hoped that Bill would be out with Stan or the others when he got to the apartment but he was doomed to be disappointed.

“Eddie,” Bill sighed with relief, pushing himself up from the couch as soon as he saw him.

Stan was there too, looking at Eddie with his forehead pinched with concern as Bill rounded the couch. Eddie stopped a few feet away from him, his hand gripping the handle of his suitcase tightly.

“Hi Bill,” he said, his voice numb to his own ears. “Hi Stan.”

Neither of them answered, taking in his ashen face, hunched shoulders, and lowered gaze. He didn’t want them to start asking questions. He didn’t want to have to answer any of them. All that Eddie wanted to do was bury himself in his bed and stay there until this feeling passed. _If_ it ever passed. He inhaled shakily and tried not to think about it but something about the look on his face made Bill step forward, reaching out towards him, probably to hug him just like he did before Eddie left.

“Don’t!”

Eddie jerked away from him as soon as his hand brushed over his arm.

“Ed-”

“Don’t touch me!” he yelled, backing up against the door.

Stan was standing up now too, his eyes equally as wide as Bill’s.

“Eddie,” he said in a calm voice.

“I-I won’t t-t-touch you,” Bill assured him, taking a step back.

Eddie reached up with shaking hands, running them through his hair. His chest was tight and his breaths were coming out in quick, short bursts.

_Sickness._

He couldn’t stop shaking.

_I’m your mother._

Someone, either Stan or Bill, was telling him to breathe.

_Come crawling back._

Eddie felt hot tears drip down his cheeks as he tried not to hear the voice in his head, hissing terrible things, making him remember. Making him retreat. He ran past Bill, leaving his suitcase behind as he crashed through his door and slammed it shut, locking it behind him.

_I have someone._

He let out a sob, dropping his backpack to the ground and curling onto his bed with his hands clapped over his ears as if it would help.

 _No one will ever_ ever _love you._

Eddie gripped at his hair, burying his face in his pillow as he cried. He heard Bill calling his name and Stan trying to calm him down before knocking on the door and asking Eddie what he needed. He didn’t answer, feeling too far away to try.

_I am happy._

Eddie cried harder, feeling like something was carving into his chest, leaving a gaping hole behind.

_He’ll leave you._

He cried for himself. He cried for his childhood. He cried because he couldn’t stop. And he cried because, for the first time in a long time, he felt dirty.

*

Eddie had no idea how long he slept. The sun was shining through his window, making him turn over as his head throbbed from how hard he cried. His eyes felt swollen and itchy and his throat was scratchy. He gripped at the pillow beneath him as everything came flooding back. He heard voices muffled through the door, some quiet and some louder. Eddie sat up slowly, feeling like every bone in his body ached as he slid off of the bed, making his way slowly to the door.

He didn’t open it, instead stood there listening. It definitely wasn’t just Bill and Stan anymore. He heard Ben say something quietly and Mike agree before Bev wondered aloud what happened. Then the last voice joined in, making his heart beat painfully as he held his breath. He didn’t hear what Richie said, only that it was him. Eddie turned around, sliding down until his back was to the door as tears gathered in his already burning eyes.

His discarded backpack was lying a few feet away, tipped over onto its side. Eddie reached out slowly, unzipping the smallest pocket to pull out his phone. He couldn’t go out there. So he pulled up Richie’s contact for the first time in days and dialed his number, cradling the phone to his ear as a lump formed in his throat. He heard Richie’s phone ringing and the silence that fell for just a few moments before he answered it.

“Eddie,” he said, his voice filled with relief and concern all at once.

He was headed towards the door. Eddie could hear his footsteps. The doorknob rattled but it was still locked. A tear slipped down his cheek.

“Baby,” he heard both over the phone and through the door. “Can you open it?”

Eddie shook his head, unable to find his voice. There was a long stretch of silence and then the phone cut off as he heard Richie’s sigh from the other side. Eddie tensed up, his face burying in his hands as he waited for him to walk away. To leave Eddie behind. But then he felt a thump on the other side of the door and lifted his head, daring to hope that maybe he was still there.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Richie’s voice was muffled but he still heard it through the door, right level with his head.

Eddie could see him in his mind, sitting with his back to the door and his lanky legs bent at the knee, much like Eddie was positioned.

“I’m staying right the fuck here,” Richie continued, sounding choked up. “For as long as you need me.”

Eddie’s lower lip trembled and his heart thumped painfully as he leaned his head back against the door, letting the tears fall silently. Eddie stayed there too. He didn’t know how long. His tears dried up eventually and he heard Richie singing on the other side of the door. Eddie had heard him sing before, always loving how it sounded, but he couldn’t hear the words right now. That didn’t matter. He knew that Richie was doing it for him.

After a while, he heard more footsteps coming towards the door.

“I made s-sandwiches,” Bill said, sounding hopeful. “Has he said anything?”

Richie must have shaken his head instead answering out loud.

“Do you think he wants to eat?” Bev asked, her voice smaller than he’d ever heard it.

“I dunno,” Richie said, shrugging his shoulders and sounding so helpless. “We can try.”

Eddie hated that sound in his voice. Richie deserved better. He deserved more than Eddie’s carved out chest and burdens.

“Eds?” Richie said, his voice a little louder. “Hey we have food. You wanna open the door?”

He didn’t say anything, trying to focus on breathing.

“You don’t have to come out but you should eat,” Beverly joined in.

Eddie pushed forward onto his knees and stood up slowly and quietly. He turned around, not even bother to wipe his face or fix his hair before reaching out to unlock it, twisting the knob to pull it open. Richie wasn’t even up off the floor, staring up at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes and parted lips. Beverly looked stressed, with bags under her eyes and concern on her face. Bill was looking at him with sorrow, as though he was blinking back tears of his own.

As Richie scrambled to stand, as ungraceful as ever, Eddie took several steps back. He had to tell him. He had to say that Richie didn’t deserve this. That he should walk away now because Eddie couldn’t drag him down. But his voice still wouldn’t work and there were tears in his eyes again. Richie surged forward, ignoring Bill’s call of “Don’t!” But Eddie didn’t shove him away or scream. He didn’t panic at all when Richie’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him in close.

He sagged into his chest, burying his face in his shoulder as a gutteral, hoarse sob rose in his chest, heart-wrenching even though it was muffled. Richie held him close, stroking his fingers through Eddie’s hair as he sank to the ground with him. He pulled Eddie into his lap, cradling him as he pressed kisses to his forehead. Eddie didn’t know how he could cry anymore but his tears soaked into Richie’s shirt and his body trembled violently with every whimper and cry.

 _“I have learned to try again,”_ Richie sang softly, his voice low and hoarse. _“I have learned from how you bend. How you face all your dead ends. How you turn and start again.”_

Eddie felt a fresh wave of tears come, clutching at Richie’s shirt as he let himself cry.

_“Let me take your hand, look you in the eye. So you understand all the reasons why. I became a man the day I saw you cry. I became a man standing by your side.”_

Slowly, Eddie heard the others coming in. All five of them. Bill’s hand found his shoulder first, squeezing lightly. Eddie didn’t shy away from it. Mike was next, taking his hand where it was laying in his lap. Bev pressed a kiss to the top of his head before putting her hand on his knee. Stan and Ben both hovered nearby, holding hands with the others while assuring Eddie that they were there. Richie kept singing as Eddie tried to breathe, letting his voice take over everything.

_“So baby when you're dark, I will make it light. When you break your heart, I will make it right. Babe I learned that art by watching you in life. Baby when you're dark, I will make it light. Cause baby when I'm dark, you always make it light.”_

Eddie opened his eyes, lifting his head to look at all of the people surrounding him. He looked at Richie last, seeing tears on the other man’s cheeks. He reached up, brushing his thumb over Eddie’s cheek. No one said a word. No one needed to. Eddie leaned his head into Richie’s hand before speaking, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Thank you.”

*

Richie sat on the ground next to the bath, stroking his thumb in soothing circles over the back of Eddie’s neck. He was curled up in the warm water, his knees pulled to his chest and his chin settled on them, his arms wrapped around his shins.

“I feel dirty,” he said, his voice quivering. “Not like before. It’s not my body, it’s-it’s…”

Eddie trailed off, closing his eyes.

“What if I’m like her?” he asked quietly.

“You’re not,” Richie said quickly, as if the mere idea of it was ridiculous.

“But what if I am? What if I turn out like that?”

“Eddie,” he sighed, leaning in to press a kiss to his shoulder. “You’re not. Ask anyone who’s known you for more than five minutes and they’ll agree. Your heart is fucking made of gold or something.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time, fighting a battle within himself. The better part won.

“She didn’t have a heart attack,” Eddie said quietly without opening his eyes. “She just had low blood sugar and fainted. She took advantage of it and lied to get me back there. She wanted to trap me with her again.”

“What the fuck?” Richie said, clearly unable to quite believe that someone could be that manipulative.

Eddie opened his eyes, looking over at him.

“I told her never to contact me again,” he said, looking into his eyes. “And that she’ll never see me again.”

Richie looked at him with understanding.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, stroking Eddie’s hair out of his face. “I wish I could have been there for you.”

Eddie shook his head.

“I don’t,” he said, continuing when Richie looked taken aback. “She would have tried to pull us apart.”

Richie scoffed, cupping Eddie’s cheek.

“Good fucking luck,” he said, the corner of his mouth quirking upwards.

Eddie felt a surge of affection and gratitude for him. He caught Richie’s wrist in a wet hand before he could pull away, leaning in to kiss him. Richie lingered there for a few moments but pulled away before it could turn into anything more. Eddie expected him to return and kiss him more. But then Richie was standing up, picking his towel up from the counter.

“Let’s get you out of there before you get all pruny,” he said, holding up the towel. “You have to be hungry.”

He was, but he was also confused. Richie had never pulled away from a kiss before. Not like that. He released the drain on the bathtub and stood with a frown, taking the towel to dry himself off. Richie disappeared out the door before he could say another word, leaving Eddie behind to wonder what just happened. It didn’t end there either. The next few days made him grow even more frustrated and confused.

Eddie split time between his own apartment and Richie’s, trying to get back into a routine while pushing everything to do with his mother out of his mind. That was his past. He wanted to focus on the present and look to the future. But it was hard to do when it felt like his boyfriend didn’t really want to touch him. All that much It was a hard pill to swallow, every time Richie pulled away from a kiss without letting it go deeper than a soft peck.

Even worse, when Eddie tried to initiate something more four days after his return, Richie suggested that they sleep, curling up beneath the covers with Eddie pulled into his side. As much as he hated himself for it, Eddie couldn’t help the voice that creeped into his mind, suggesting that maybe his mother was right. Maybe Richie realized that he was more trouble than he was worth and he was trying to figure out how to let Eddie down easy.

He knew that it was coming. It was like waiting for a firework to explode. It would happen. It was just a matter of when. It wasn’t until one day, an entire week after he got back, when Eddie knew that both he and Richie had the day off, that it all came to a head. They were lying in bed lazily, still in their pajamas. Eddie was happily playing with Richie’s fingers and listening to him hum. Then he lifted his head, meeting Richie’s soft gaze before leaning in to kiss him. Eddie wanted to feel him everywhere. He wanted to lose himself in Richie.

He wanted to chase all thoughts away of _dirty_ and _bad_ and prove that what they had was nothing short of beautiful. Richie actually kissed him back, sliding a hand into Eddie’s hair and pressing closer. He thought it was really going to happen. That whatever had been holding Richie back was gone. Then Eddie kissed his way down to Richie’s jaw, skimming his lips to his ear as he hooked a leg around Richie’s hip, pushing even closer before he put his lips to Richie’s ear.

“I want you,” Eddie murmured, brushing his thumb over Richie’s cheek.

Richie froze at his words and Eddie’s stomach lurched because he knew, in that moment, that it was happening again. Sure enough, Richie ducked out of the embrace and gently rolled away from Eddie, sitting up with a sigh.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Eds,” he said without turning back.

Eddie sat up slowly, watching as rubbed at his face before standing up, crossing the apartment to the kitchen. He couldn’t do anything but stare, his lips parted and his eyes shiny with tears. Richie bent over to pull out a jug of orange juice, unscrewing the tap to drink straight from it. Then he turned around to ask Eddie if he wanted anything and caught sight of his stricken form, his own eyes widening as he realized what Eddie must have heard in his words and seen in his actions.

“Oh shit,” he said, shoving the juice back into the fridge before letting the door slam shut. “Baby, no.”

Eddie jerked out away from him when he reached out, grasping for his words.

“You… you don’t want me,” he said, blinking quickly.

“ _God,_ that’s not-that’s not at all what I…” Richie shook his head, trying to find a way to express his thoughts right.

“She was right,” Eddie said, his voice trembling.

“Eds-”

“You’re going to leave me.”

“What? No I’m-”

“I’m dirty,” Eddie whispered, turning his face away as a tear traced a wet path down his cheek.

“No!” Richie said, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “Fuck no, you’re not. You’re perfect, Eds. I’m an idiot and I should have said something else, something better… but this isn’t about that. I’m not going anywhere.”

Eddie knocked his hand away, scrambling out of reach with horrified eyes.

“You’re lying,” he said.

“No,” Richie repeated, surging forward to cup Eddie’s cheeks with warm hands. “I don’t lie to you. Not _ever_. You know that.”

“Then why?” Eddie asked, sounding desperate.

“I-” Richie sighed, closing his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts before meeting Eddie’s eyes again. “When I saw you in your apartment, the way you looked and how you cried… it scared the shit out of me. I was so fucking terrified for you because I didn’t know what happened and you were hurting. I didn’t know how to fix it.”

Eddie stared at him, trying to figure out what he was trying to say.

“I told myself right then and there that I wouldn’t push you or rush you. I knew I was going to give you as much time as you need. That’s why, Eds. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to do this because you think you have to, okay? I can wait.”

Richie waited with bated breath, hoping that now that his intentions were out in the open that everything would be okay. That Eddie would understand. But instead he reached up, pulling Richie’s hands away before climbing off of the bed, his eyes never wavering from Richie’s face.

“Did you never think to ask me about any of this?” he asked, his voice quiet.

Richie’s mind came to a halt and he searched for a good response, finding none.

“Shit, Richie,” he said, taking a few steps back from the bed. “Don’t I get a fucking say in this?”

“You do, Eds. Of course you do. I wasn’t trying to say that,” Richie said, standing up too. “I just thought-”

“You should have talked to me!”

“I didn’t know if you wanted to talk!”

They stared at each other, eyes wide and cheeks flushed.

The firework was lit.

“You wanna talk?” Eddie said, his frustration and anger bubbling over into fury. “Fine! Let’s talk! You wanna hear the last thing my mom told me? She said that the day would come that you don’t want me anymore. That you would leave me dirty and used and I would have to come crawling back to her.”

Richie stared back at him, a hurt expression crossing his face.

“You think I would do that?” he said.

“I think that for the past week, you’ve been outright refusing to touch me. I think that you’ve been pulling away from kisses and turning me down at every turn. I think that I’ve had my mom’s words in the back of my head the entire time and every day it’s a little bit hard to believe that you still want me. That’s what I think!”

“That’s so goddamn unfair, Eddie,” Richie said, shaking his head. “I’ve been trying to make sure that you’re okay! I’ve tried not to hurt you! I’ve _tried_ not to be her!”

There was no doubt who he was referring to. Eddie couldn’t see past his own anger, the words bubbling up in his throat before he could stop them.

“What about making decisions for me, huh?” he yelled, moving closer to Richie. “What the fuck was that?”

“That’s not what I was fucking trying to do! I was trying to help!”

“Well you made it worse!”

The firework exploded.

They stared at each other with red cheeks and heaving chests. Richie was the first to break away, rubbing his hands over his face. Turning his head was the wrong move because Eddie was moving in an instant, running into the bathroom. He slammed the door shut, locking it behind him. He heard Richie call out to him and pressed a hand over his mouth to muffle his sob,

“Eds,” Richie sighed, sounding horrified and devastated. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make decisions for you and I didn’t mean to make you feel like you didn’t have a choice. I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry.”

Eddie took a deep breath after a while of letting tears course down his face, waiting. Richie didn’t say anything else but Eddie knew he was still there. He didn’t bother to look in the mirror, not wanting to see the wreck of his face or hair. Several minutes passed before he finally opened the door, slipping past Richie before he could catch him. Eddie immediately began hunting for his clothes, gathering them from the floor.

“Please, Eddie,” Richie said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Don’t walk away.”

He stilled in the middle of picking up his shirt, closing his eyes at Richie’s pleading voice.

“Stay. Let me make you breakfast,” Richie continued, seizing his chance. “Just please don’t leave.”

Eddie knew in that moment that he couldn’t even if he tried. Not from Richie.

_I have someone who is my everything._

The fireworks faded away, leaving him tired. Eddie dropped his clothes to the ground, turning around to face Richie with hunched shoulders.

“Okay.”

*

The next few days weren’t any better than the last week. They were worse. Eddie didn’t know how to talk to Richie and he suspected the same was true the other way. True to his word, he didn’t walk away. He wanted to do it even less than Richie wanted him to. He wasn’t about to lose one of the best parts of his life just because it was hard right now. So they suffered through the awkwardness. The questioning looks from their friends. The nights spent in Richie’s bed with space between them.

Then he woke up one morning alone, the space beside him cold, with laughter floating through the apartment. It wasn’t just Richie’s either. There was a distinctly female laugh there, clear as a bell. At first, he thought Richie might have been watching something. But then he smelled sizzling bacon and heard someone saying Richie’s full name followed by the smack of skin on skin. It was a confusing array of sounds, causing Eddie to lift his head and peer over his shoulder at the kitchen.

Richie had his back to him, his hair wild and wearing nothing but low-slung jeans as he reached out to pluck a strip of cooked bacon from a plate only to receive another smack on his hand by the woman standing by the stove. She pointed a spatula his way threateningly and Eddie could see the grin on his face when he turned to look at her. The woman was older, probably in her late forties, with thick curly black hair pulled into a swinging ponytail that reminded him so much of Richie’s.

There were laugh lines around her bright eyes and freckles dotted across her nose and cheeks. They weren’t as numerous as Richie’s but he could see where he got them from. Her cheekbones were just as high as her son’s and she laughed just the same, tossing her head back at something he said before turning around to grab a dish towel. Her eyes fell on Eddie, who was sitting up now, and she grinned wider. He was frozen in place, panic filling his chest.

“Rich, honey, your guest is awake. How about you take care of him while I finish this up?”

Richie’s head snapped around and he moved around his mom quickly, crossing to the bed in long strides. Eddie wondered if she meant for Richie to toss him out. It certainly wouldn’t surprise. He drew his knees up to his chest, preparing to be shown the door.

“Good morning, Eds,” Richie said, reaching out to stroke his cheek with his thumb.

It was something he hadn’t done since their fight.

“Good morning,” he said, a frown creasing his brow.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up before breakfast was ready. I know you got to sleep late cause of school. You wanna join us?”

Eddie blinked up at him with confusion.

“That’s okay?” he asked.

“Of course!”

It wasn’t Richie who answered, but rather his mom. She was loading a bunch of eggs into a bowl.

“Do you think I made all this for that giant?” she asked, jabbing her finger at Richie.

“You mean you didn’t make it all for me?” Richie demanded, sounding offended as his touch lingered on Eddie’s cheeks. “What the fuck did I help for?”

“You helped?” his mom said, raising one eyebrow in his direction.

“I cracked the eggs!”

“You threw one into the bowl, Richard. Shell and all,” she said in a deadpan voice.

“It cracked,” he shrugged.

His mom looked at Eddie, giving an exaggerated eye roll that almost had him smiling before she turned around to get the rest of the bacon out of the pan.

“C’mon,” Richie said, nudging at his shoulder.

Eddie nodded, unsure of what to do here. He slipped out of bed and tugged a t-shirt on, feeling a little awkward just wearing pajama pants. Walking into the kitchen, he made up his plate and poured out a glass of juice before joining them at the table. Eddie sat to Richie’s left and across from his mother, tucking one leg beneath him.

“Maggie Tozier,” she said, holding out her hand before they could start eating.

“Eddie Kaspbrak,” he said, shaking her hand slowly.

“Nice to meet you, Eddie,” she said, her eyes shining.

Eddie wondered if she really meant it. Richie and Maggie started eating right away, leaving him to do the same.

“Richie tells me you go to NYU,” she said.

He nodded, swallowing a bite of eggs before glancing Richie’s way only to see that he was already watching Eddie.

“I graduated from there,” Maggie said proudly. “New York was my city once upon a time. I can’t resist coming back every once in a while to check on old friends and my little boy.”

Richie was anything but little, standing at least six inches taller than the both of them. But his cheeks filled with color when Maggie reached over to mess his hair up as Richie often did to Eddie.

“I’m sorry for showing up out of the blue,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I didn’t know that Richie would have his boyfriend over or I would have given more advanced warning. I figured making breakfast was the least I could do for you waking up to a stranger in the kitchen.”

“Mom,” Richie said, shaking his head with a look of affection in his eyes.

“Is that okay?” Eddie asked, his hand shaking just a little bit as he held a strip of bacon inches away from his mouth without taking a bite. “That he…that I...that we’re…”

He couldn’t quite get it out, his eyes darting between Richie and Maggie. The former looked at Eddie sadly, knowing exactly what was going through his mind. His hand found Eddie’s knee under the table, squeezing lightly. It made him breathe just a little bit easier. Maggie simply blinked with surprise before letting out a laugh.

“Why the fuck wouldn’t it be?” she said.

Just like that, Eddie decided that he liked Maggie Tozier.

*

Eddie saw a different side of Richie with his mom around. It was easy to see the strong bond between mother and son. Something that he would never experience. It wasn’t something that Eddie resented him for. Not when he saw the light in his eyes when he had Maggie near. Beverly and Stan both seemed to love her too, hugging her tightly when Eddie and Richie showed up with her in tow on their weekly lunch date in Central Park with the rest of the losers.

They all seemed to thrive off of her energy, and off of Richie’s energy when he was around her. It was easy to laugh around those two. Things were still tense between Eddie and Richie. They still had yet to talk. Maggie refused all attempts for Eddie to stay away from Richie’s apartment so that she could sleep there, claiming she had plenty of friends to stay with. Richie didn’t seem to bothered by it so Eddie didn’t put up a fuss.

But they still didn’t have much down time during the day between school, work, friends, and Maggie. So they had no time to talk. When they came back together at the end of the day, it was merely to fall into bed, the space still existing between them. The others had noticed it. Even though Eddie told them all what happened with his mother, and why he was never going to see him again, it seemed like the didn’t know how to broach the topic of him and Richie. He didn’t blame them. He was at just as much of a loss as they were.

He knew that Maggie saw it. She didn’t know the story behind it, but he could see her eyes flitting between them both sometimes, calculating and sad all at once. It wasn’t until one night when Richie fell asleep in the middle of a movie, stretched across the couch with his head pillowed on Eddie’s thigh - the closest they’d been in days - that she finally brought it up from where she was sitting in the armchair. It seemed like she had been waiting for the perfect moment and Eddie wasn’t surprised that she chose this one.

“Richie ever tell you about his father?”

Eddie blinked with surprise. He expected her to ask if they were okay or to ask what happened. Not this. He shook his head, stroking his fingers through Richie’s hair. It was something that he missed. Eddie couldn’t believe that he let it go on this long. He wished that he knew how to fix it.

“He told me about you, a little bit,” Eddie said quietly, wrapping a dark curl around his finger before letting it spring loose. “Never his dad.”

“I’m not surprised. Wentworth was, and remains to this day, a piece of shit,” she said just as softly, looking like she might spit at the mere thought of him. “Of course I wasn’t much better. Not for a long time.”

She shook her head, taking a long sip of her cup of water.

“I was miserable in my marriage and I let myself get lost. It made it easier to face my husband’s fists. I drank so much that I didn’t even notice that my husband, the _love of my life_ … ” Maggie said bitterly, shaking her head. “... was regularly beating the shit out of my son too.”

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat and he looked down at Richie. His face was lax in sleep, almost peaceful, with parted lips and face free of creases or concern. He couldn’t imagine someone wanting to hurt him. To bruise his pale skin and take away his childhood with blood and pain.”

“Richie didn’t hate me,” Maggie continued. “He should have, but he didn’t. I don’t think he has it in his heart to hate anyone. Not even his dad. But I finally figured out what was happening and I knew that he should hate me. But for some reason, my son was born better than me and he didn’t. I promised I would do better by him. He didn’t believe me, which I earned, but I was determined. The day I poured the contents of the liquor cabinet down the drain was the day I took him out of that house.”

She sighed, shaking her head as Eddie looked up at her.

“It wasn’t easy. It was damn difficult at first. Went didn’t want to give up. He didn’t want the expense of a divorce so he kept claiming he could do better. He’d come back and then he’d leave. Then come back, then leave. And goddammit, me and Richie both fell for it every time. He never laid a hand on either of us again, though it came close a few times. We had pictures of the bruises, Bev and Stan made sure of it, so it was pretty easy to get him to stay away the last time. We finally got that divorce and he was stuck paying child support for the next three years. It would have been better if he just stayed away the first time. I worked hard to earn my son’s forgiveness and I’m still working every day to be the mother that he needs. Wentworth never cared to try.”

Eddie let it all sink in, still stroking his fingers through Richie’s hair.

“Richie hates watching people leave,” Maggie sighed, leaning forward to brush her thumb over the back of his hand. “And he hates the idea of hurting someone like his father hurt him.”

_Don’t walk away._

“He likes to say his greatest fear is clowns but I know differently.”

_I was trying to help!_

“And I think you do too.”

_Just please don’t leave._

Eddie nodded his head, a lump rising in his throat. In that moment, he was more grateful than ever for his decision not to walk out that day.

“I know there’s something going on between the two of you,” Maggie said, sitting up straight again. “My son cares about you a lot, which means that I do too. So if you want to talk about it…”

She trailed off, leaving the option open. Eddie looked at her warily, wondering if he could really talk about it with her. There was something so open and inviting about her. In her eyes, he could see the mother that he always wanted. The mother who cared about the person that he was, not the one that she wanted him to be.

“My mom is…” he trailed off, looking down at Richie again, drawing strength from him. “Well, I’m pretty sure that Richie hates her. So that should tell you the kind of person that she is. She did a lot of damage, made me feel wrong about a lot of things. And Richie helped me through undoing a lot of that damage and he helped me realize that I’m not bad for being who I am. Your son is… he’s amazing, Maggie. He’s got the biggest fucking heart and I-I… shit!”

Eddie wiped at his eyes. He was so tired of crying. But it was hard not to cry when he thought about Richie and the state of their relationship.

“My mom manipulated me into coming back home a few weeks ago. She lied to try to get me to stay there with her and said horrible things when I left. And without Richie, I don’t know where I would be after that. I don’t know if I’d have come back at all. He made me see that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was and I-I need him. I really need him. But we got in a fight and it was… it was bad. And I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t think that he does either.”

A few moments of silence passed before Maggie reached out, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly. Eddie looked up at her to see a smile on her face. It wasn’t what he expected.

“I see the way Richie looks at you,” she said, nodding at her son. “And how you look at him. You’ll be okay, Eddie. Both of you. You’ll do it together. You know how I know?”

“How?” Eddie whispered, tears tracking down his cheeks as he stared at her, waiting for the answer.

“Because,” Maggie said with a shrug, her own eyes a little bit shiny. “You’re it for him. You’re his everything.”

He sank his teeth into his trembling lip, looking away from her for a moment to take a deep, shaking breath.

“He’s mine too,” Eddie said, squeezing her hand.

“I know.”

*

Eddie stood outside the building, taking deep breaths with his phone clutched in his hand. He spent days trying to figure out the best way to approach this. The best and only option that he came up with was just to throw all caution to the wind and put his cards on the table. So he dialed the number that he hadn’t called in a very long time, stepping inside as it began ringing. When the operator answered, he listened to the same rehearsed speech until she got to the question.

“What kind of experience would you like today?”

“I’d like extension 629, please.”

“Of course, sir.”

Eddie got to the elevator as she patched him through, waiting with bated breath as the phone rang and rang and rang. Then…

“Hello?”

Eddie took another deep breath, watching the numbers on the elevator rise.

“Hi,” he breathed out, letting the tension bleed from his muscles. “How are you?”

He could hear the sharp intake of breath on the other line and wondered what Richie would do.

“I’m doing pretty good, cutie. What can I do for you today?” Richie said, his voice a combination of relief and confusion.

Eddie swallowed hard, climbing out of the elevator.

“I called here for the first time a while ago,” he said, walking down the hallway slowly. “I didn’t really know what I was doing but I learned something. You taught me something. I thought that I would never heal, never change, but you were always there.”

Eddie pulled the keys out of his pocket, finding the one he needed easily.

“Every step of the way, you were there, the voice on the phone, telling me not to give up,” Eddie said, pushing the key into the lock. “So I just want to let you know that the lesson stuck.”

He pushed the door open, meeting Richie’s eyes where he sat on the couch, looking stunned and emotional all at once. He stared at Eddie, his hand gripping the back of the couch and the other clenching over the phone as he listened.

“I’m not giving up,” Eddie said, staring deep into his eyes.

He locked the door behind him, dropped the keys to the couch, and kicked his shoes off. Richie stayed exactly where he was, his eyes following Eddie across the room as he made his way to the bed.

“I know what I want,” Eddie said into the phone, his back to Richie.

He cradled the phone between his cheek and shoulder, reaching down to unfasten his pants.

“Fuck,” he heard Richie curse, both behind him and over the phone.

“I’m not going to lose this part of me,” Eddie continued, shoving his pants down and kicking them away.

Then he climbed onto the bed, turning around to face Richie only to see his burning gaze on him. He dropped the phone to the bed for just a moment, pulling his shirt up and over his head before picking it back up again.

“Because it’s the best part of my life,” he said into the phone, holding Richie’s gaze. “ _He_ is the best part of my life. He’s my everything and I’m not going to let that go.”

“Eds,” Richie whispered.

“I know what he was trying to do,” Eddie’s voice wavering just a little bit. “I know he was trying not to hurt me. I was so angry because I felt like he took away my choice but I wish I could have realized that he was just doing the best he could do to cope with a bullshit situation, just like me.”

Richie looked away from him at that, rubbing at his jaw and leaning forward to duck his head, hiding his face with his hair. Eddie didn’t stop talking.

“I just want him to know that I-I trust him,” Richie breathed in sharply at his words. “And I know, I’ve always known, that he will never hurt me. From that very first phone call, that very first night, that day in my apartment when I couldn’t bear being touched until he touched me… I knew. I will always know. And I know my limits. I trust that if I tell him to stop, he will stop. If I tell him it’s too much, he’ll slow down. I know that and I’m not scared.”

Richie stood up, still facing away from Eddie as he walked around the couch, running his free hand through his hair as tears coursed down his pale cheeks. Eddie watched him, feeling overwhelmed with emotions too.

“And he has to know,” Eddie said, watching him closely. “He has to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving. Because he’s-he’s my everything. He’s it for me. I’m not walking out, baby. I promise.”

Richie turned to face him, his eyes wide and burning with every emotion he felt. Richie pulled the phone away from his ear, letting it fall to the ground after pressing end on the call. Then he was walking over to the bed, every step bringing him closer and making Eddie feel more and more desperate for him to be even closer. He let his phone fall just as Richie leapt onto the bed, his hands cupping Eddie’s face gently as he pulled him up for a searing kiss. Eddie felt it in every fiber of his being, down to his very core.

He felt the intense pain, longing, desperation, and relief. He shared it equally, clutching at Richie’s shirt as he opened himself up to him, matching every press of his lips and stroke of his tongue. It wasn’t a battle. It was a unification. Richie’s fingers stroked across his bare skin and Eddie pulled away just long enough to yank his shirt over his head. Then they joined together again, falling back into each other like no time passed at all. When Eddie pulled, Richie followed, sinking into the mattress with him without breaking the kiss.

Eddie’s thighs parted and Richie fitted between them. His hands gripped his shoulders and Richie’s stroked up his sides. Eddie tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth and nipped at his in return. Everything fell into place, down to their very breathing. Eddie reached for Richie’s pants and he shoved them down and away as soon as they were open. Then they were flipping over, Richie’s back falling to the bed as Eddie kissed his way down his throat and chest, leaving red marks in his wake that would swell and bruise.

He flicked his tongue over one nipple and carefully scraped his teeth over the other. Richie lifted his hips when he tugged down his boxers, letting them go without argument. Eddie kissed at his bony hips and traced a teasing, featherlight touch over his cock before wrapping his lips around the head. Richie groaned aloud, his fingers delving into Eddie’s hair as he bobbed up and down slowly, taking as much as he could and using his hand to make up for the rest.

“Fuck,” Richie breathed, drawing out the word. “Baby, you have...no idea...how...beautiful...you are…”

Eddie felt a flush rising to his cheeks and pulled away, looking up at Richie.

“You are too,” he said, pressing a kiss over his stomach, then just beneath his ribs. “So beautiful, so kind, so incredible.”

Eddie nipped at his collarbone and dipped his tongue into the hollow of Richie’s throat, relishing in the answering gasp he received.

“And mine,” he murmured, pressing kisses along Richie’s heated skin. “Just like I’m yours.”

Eddie hovered over Richie, looking down into his heated gaze before leaning down, brushing a kiss over his lips.

“I want you to fuck me,” Eddie whispered into the kiss. “I want you to give me everything, Richie. Don’t hold back. I know what I want and that’s you. All of you.”

Richie surged up, kissing him deeply as they both sat up. His hand stroked down Eddie’s back, delving into his briefs. Eddie moaned freely at the feeling of a finger stroking over his hole for the first time in weeks. He rocked back into Richie’s hand, wanting more so desperately, all while Richie kissed, sucked, and nipped at his throat in several places, giving Eddie a few hickies of his own as he teased at his hole until he was crying out for more. Then he was pulling out from beneath Eddie, pulling his boxers off before laying him back.

Eddie let his thighs fall open, watching with his teeth sunk into his lower lip as Richie retrieved the lube. He slicked up his fingers and carefully stroked his hole with of them. Eddie knew that he would take it slow, since it had been a while since they did this. He let his eyes flutter closed, relaxing as Richie teased at his hole before pressing one finger in slowly, just halfway, before pulling out again. He eased inside again, murmuring about how good Eddie was doing as he worked him open slowly.

By the time he had two fingers thrusting in and out of him slowly, curling and crooking, Eddie was rocking down into his hand. Richie leaned down, kissing him deeply as he pressed in a third. Eddie whimpered into the kiss, his hand coming up to delve into Richie’s hair. They kissed slowly and languidly, enjoying every single moment of it as Richie continued working him open with three fingers. Eddie cried out and wrenched away from the kiss when he crooked and brushed his prostate, rubbing at it it in quick circles. His hips jerked and thrusted up, his cock hard and leaking against his stomach, desperate for more.

“Fuck, I missed those little noises you make,” Richie sighed, staring down at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

Eddie clutched at his wrist, desperation filling him as he grew hotter and hotter. But it did nothing to keep him there. Richie pulled his fingers out just when Eddie could feel the coil grower tighter and tighter. Eddie dropped his hands over his eyes, breathing heavily and trying not to curse aloud. Then Richie was there, slicked up and covered in a condom. He pried Eddie’s hands away and kissing him as he pressed in. Eddie arched his back, luxuriating in every single inch of his cock as it filled him. Richie bottomed out with a groan of his name, his hair falling in his face. Eddie combed it back, gazing up at Richie.

“This isn’t dirty,” Eddie whispered, staring straight into his eyes. “It’s beautiful, Richie. It’s _us._ ”

Richie looked overwhelmed, nodding at him. Then he was moving, pulling out almost all the way before filling him with a slow, deep stroke. He did it again and again, making Eddie whimper out a plea for more more than once. Richie seemed determined, making sure he was completely ready before he would even come close to picking up the pace.

“I wanna try something new, baby,” he said, stroking Eddie’s thighs with his fingers. “That okay?”

Eddie nodded, eager to find out whatever it was. Then Richie was cupping the back of his knee after pulling out of him, rearranging Eddie until he was lying on his side, his thighs pushed together and his knees pulled up further to his chest. He shivered at the new position, letting out a moan of Richie’s name when he felt his cock pressing in. It was so much different like this. Eddie felt his control slipping and he didn’t care, turning his head to meet Richie’s hot gaze.

“You okay?” Richie mouthed without saying a word, pausing with his cock barely inside him.

Eddie nodded, reaching up to brush his thumb over Richie’s hip in a silent plea for him not to stop. He pressed in more and Eddie’s hand dropped as he let out a long moan. Somehow, Richie found a deeper angle like this. Eddie felt more full than ever, his body trembling and his cock throbbing.

“Fuck,” Eddie cried out when Richie pulled out and thrust back in harder than before.

It felt incredible in a way that he could never fully describe. Richie found a pace, fucking into him slow and hard as Eddie gripped at the blankets and let out noises he never really even knew he could.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” he said in a high, reedy voice. “Fuck me hard, Richie.”

“You like that, baby boy?”

Eddie nodded, knowing that there was a flush high in his cheeks and his lips were kissed and bitten red and swollen at this point. He reached down, wrapping a hand around his cock to stroke it in time with Richie’s strokes. He grunted as he fucked into Eddie, cursing and moaning out his name every so often. There was a point at which Eddie knew that it was too much. He close to coming and yet he wasn’t ready.

“Wait wait wait,” he breathed out, squeezing the base of his cock while reaching up the other hand to brush his fingers over Richie’s abdomen.

He stilled immediately, saying Eddie’s name with concern.

“It was too much,” Eddie said, turning his head to look in his eyes again. “Don’t wanna come yet.”

Richie looked relieved, pulling out of him slowly. Then he was sitting on the bed, tugging a boneless Eddie up to straddle his lap. He sank down onto his cock but neither of them moved, kissing with every ounce of emotion they could muster poured into their embrace. Richie’s hands explored his back while Eddie slid his hands into his hair, sliding his lips against Richie’s and pulling up at little before rocking down into him. He did again, loving how Richie’s moan felt against his lips.

It was slow and taxing, but Eddie fucked himself back onto Richie’s cock that way, tugging at Richie’s hair and earning noises that _he_ loved falling from Richie’s lips. He felt like he could hardly breathe as he picked up the pace, his cock bouncing between them as he tossed his head back and cried out Richie’s name to the ceiling, Richie reached up, stroking and pinching his nipple and making him jerk at the shocks of pleasure that ran through him from the double stimulation. Then Richie was laying him back on the bed again, pushing Eddie’s knees back towards his chest to open him up fully without even pulling out.

He didn’t give Eddie much of a chance to adjust, suddenly fucking into him hard and fast. Eddie was a moaning, whimpering mess, dragging his nails down Richie’s back hard, making the other man cry out with pain and pleasure as his cock hit Eddie’s prostate with nearly every thrust. Eddie felt the ache in his heart fade away and the hole in his chest stitch together with every moment that passed. This was what he needed. Not the sex, particularly. But this trust. This closeness. This love.

“Fuckfuckfuck...Richie...please...I’m...c-close...need... _fuck_ …please...”

“I’m right here,” Richie murmured.

He took Eddie’s hands, pressing them over his head as he laced their fingers. Their noses were inches apart and they stared at each other with wonder, desire, and pure adoration. Richie adjusted his angle and thrusted into him hard and fast, making Eddie shout out his name as his back arched and he drew closer and closer to his peak. Next thing he knew, his vision was growing dark at the edges his body filled with white hot pleasure. Richie didn’t relent, wringing every drop of it from Eddie as he writhed and came untouched, spilling out over his stomach.

Richie followed not long after, burying his face in Eddie’s throat as he kept thrusting slowly until they were both shaking from overstimulation. They stayed like that, taking a moment to catch their breath with their hands still laced above Eddie’s head. Richie finally released him, stroking his hands down Eddie’s sides before pulling out slowly, both wincing at the drag of their spent bodies. Eddie followed Richie to the bathroom when he held out his hand, walking on shaky legs.

They took a long, hot shower together, washing one another intimately. Eddie loved working the shampoo and conditioner through Richie’s dark curls, watching his face go lax as he enjoyed the feeling of being taken care of. Once they were clean, they staggered back to the bed without putting on a stitch of clothing, pausing long enough to dry themselves off before falling in together. Richie tugged the blankets up and over their hips before wiggling down a little, tossing his arm over his hips and laying his head on Eddie’s chest.

Eddie stroked his fingers through Richie’s hair, loving how it felt, still damp and just barely curling. Richie’s thumb swept gentle, repeating circles over his hip that made Eddie feel more relaxed than ever. They laid like that for a long time, neither willing to doze off. They didn’t want to let go of this moment yet. Not after what they’d been through over the last few weeks. Eddie couldn’t deny how much he missed the warmth and weight of Richie’s body pressed to his side. Then he remembered what else he wanted to talk to him about it.

“I talked to your mom,” Eddie said quietly.

Richie stilled for just a moment before exhaling against his skin.

“I know,” he said.

“She told you?” Eddie asked, figuring that was possible.

“No,” Richie said, resuming the stroking of his hip. “I heard. I was awake.”

Eddie found it hard to take that in, frowning up at the ceiling.

“You didn’t even move,” he said.

“Drama school, ol’ chap,” Richie said in his patented British voice and Eddie could just tell there was a smirk tugging at his lips.

He huffed, flicking at his shoulder before going back to stroking his hair.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Eddie asked.

“I wanted to figure out how to make it right. I still didn’t really know how to talk about it,” Richie said, his voice growing quiet and serious again. “Plus you knew about my dad so… I guess I didn’t know how to talk about that either. I was scared. Then you beat me to it so… here we are.”

Eddie sighed, the reminder of Richie’s childhood making his heart ache for the man in his arms.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Richie,” he whispered.

Richie held him just a little tighter, shrugging one shoulder.

“It happened,” he said, pressing a kiss over Eddie’s heart, right where he’d nestled himself long ago. “I’m okay now. I have my mom and the others and… I have you.”

“You do,” Eddie said, feeling the sudden urge to reassure him again. “I meant what I said, Richie. I’m not going anywhere.”

Richie didn’t say anything for a long time but Eddie could hear his ragged breaths and feel the hot air on his skin.

“Thank you,” he finally whispered.

“For what?” Eddie found himself asking.

“For giving me you,” Richie said.

Eddie remembered saying those exact words, in this same room. It felt like so long ago. He didn’t even know how important Richie would become to him then. He had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time he said it either.

It was just what they did.

*

A few weeks later found them all in Bill and Stan’s apartment. Eddie was all but moved in with Richie and Stan was all but moved in with Bill. They hadn’t made it official but it went unspoken. They were all settled in for a movie. Richie was splayed out in an armchair and Eddie was perched in his lap, his head on Richie’s shoulder and his legs dropped over the arm of the chair.

“Ten bucks says that girl’s gonna die,” Richie said.

Eddie scoffed, throwing a kernel of popcorn at him.

“That’s a sucker’s bet. Of course she’s gonna die,” he said, snuggling in closer. “She took her clothes off ten minutes into the movie.”

“Wish you took _your_ clothes off ten minutes into the movie,” Riche muttered.

“I wish you’d both shut up,” Stan grumbled from the couch where he was pressed into Bill’s side, their hands entwined.

Eddie and Richie both looked over at him with twin looks of innocence.

“Staniel,” Richie gasped.

“Don’t start,” he said.

“Stan the Man.”

“Shut the fuck up, Richie.”

“My love.”

“Oh you’re talking to Eddie now?”

The others all snickered at their banter, including Eddie.

“You’re j-just as bad as him,” Bill said, looking directly at Eddie.

“Fuck that, no I’m not!” he said, shaking his head.

Bill simply smirked, shrugging one shoulder. They’d come clean to the losers about how they met soon after they made up, telling them pretty much all that happened with Eddie’s mom too. It went well and no one looked at either of them any differently than before, which helped them both relax a lot more in group settings.

“Hey, I’m offended,” Richie said, flicking his ear. “I’m fucking awesome.”

“Meh,” Eddie said with a shrug. “You’re average at best.”

“Can we watch the damn movie now?” Bev asked, though there was a good-natured smile on her face. “We all know there’s two of them now. Richie, you’ve managed to find the perfect companion. Now shut the fuck up.”

“Thank you,” Stan muttered.

“Shut up, Stan, you were just as bad,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

Eddie stuck his tongue out at Stan immaturely, fully embracing it as Richie tossed popcorn their way. They all settled back in, remaining mostly quiet outside of the occasional comment here and there. Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about what Bev said. The perfect companion. She had no idea how right she was. Everything about him and Richie fit. It may not have been perfect in every way, but it was pretty damn close and that was enough.

“Hey,” Richie whispered, keeping quiet so that only Eddie would hear him. “You remember what I said that first night?”

Eddie thought about it, finding himself a little confused and lost.

“You said a lot of things,” he whispered back without tearing his eyes away from the screen.

“Yeah but one thing was the most important,” Richie said, reaching up to stroke his thumb over Eddie’s cheek. “I promised I was gonna tell you something one day.”

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat and he suddenly knew what was coming.

“Richie…” he murmured.

“I love you, Eddie.”

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat and a smile tugged at his lips, unable to be controlled. He lifted his head, looking into Richie’s eyes. He stared back, the same emotion in his words shining in his eyes. Eddie pressed a hand over his cheek, leaning in to brush a kiss over his lips.

“I love you too,” Eddie said quietly, pulling away to look in his eyes again. “I love you so much.”

They stared at each other for a long time, letting the words sink in.

“And I love you both,” Mike called from across the room.

Their heads whipped around only to see him smiling warmly.

“But the blonde is about to die so shush,” he said, winking at them.

Eddie smiled, ducking his head as he flushed. Richie pressed a kiss to his cheek just before he settled back against his shoulder, relaxing into the arms of the man he loved. Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to hearing it in return but he knew one thing for sure.

He had a lifetime with Richie to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear what you think! Seriously, I want to read all the comments.
> 
> The song Richie sings to Eddie is Dark by Peter Katz ft. Rachel Sermanni


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